


Lovely Memories

by MaryByU



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Actor Kim Seokjin | Jin, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Nanny, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Divorce, Established Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Min Yoongi | Suga, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Kim Taehyung | V, Idiots in Love, Implied Mpreg, Kim Namjoon | RM & Min Yoongi | Suga are Best Friends, Kim Namjoon | RM is Whipped, Kim Namjoon | RM is a Dork, Kim Taehyung | V & Park Jimin are Best Friends, M/M, Married Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin, Minor Jeon Jungkook/Park Jimin, Minor Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Min Yoongi | Suga, Mpreg, Non-Consensual Kissing, Oblivious Kim Taehyung | V, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin, Producer Kim Namjoon | RM, Producer Min Yoongi | Suga, Sweet Kim Seokjin | Jin, True Love, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:21:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23179132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryByU/pseuds/MaryByU
Summary: Namjoon was a coward.At least, he was when it comes to his own feelings.When he fall in love with his best friend, he promised himself to never say anything about it, so far everything was going well, until one night, he loose control and kiss his best friend during his sleep before running away by fear to face him.Namjoon is a coward and he know that.Has passed years after his mistakes with guilt and fear to face again the only person he ever loved, until Taehyung come in his life again.And now he had to face all of his past mistakes and maybe undo the knot he had tight himself.Except Namjoon never stopped being a coward.
Relationships: Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin, Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Taehyung | V
Comments: 3
Kudos: 68





	1. I loved you then

_"I Loved You Then"_

_“I Still Love you”_

_“Always have, Always Will”_

_"Forever and Ever"_

_6 Years Ago,_

_Graduation Day, Seoul._

He didn’t know when he started to love.

Some weeks ago ? Years ago ? Maybe even when he first saw him ?

He couldn’t point a moment when he didn’t love him and couldn’t point either a moment when he falls in love.

Those feelings were just here, growing inside of him slowly but deeply, they had long ago taken roots in his soul, embracing his heart and making home in his core.

They were already rooted in him when he realized that he was in love.

It was those types of feeling that just grew in you since the beginning, but you don’t see them until their grow enough to make your breathing difficult.

Enough that you had to acknowledge them.

Enough that your eyes always end up looking at them, that your mind and your reason can’t looked away from them.

Enough that your heart beats whenever you are in front of the said person.

They were just here.

Like a flower peeking to your window after an entire season to grow, blooming and beautiful.

It was his reality now.

He was in love.

A love purer than he was able to think about.

Brighter and bigger than any feelings he ever experienced.

Love.

One moment it was a friend, a confident, a person who he would do anything for and the next, he become a lover who could never knew about those feelings.

Something that the other had never asked for.

He should be worried, and sad to never be able to ride of those unwelcomed feeling who was starting to take his mind and soul apart.

But even if they were just growing inside him every day, he didn’t want to stop them.

He couldn’t.

Not when he has the chance to see him every day.

His smile, his beautiful eyes, his fascinating mind that could amazed him every time.

It wasn’t surprising to find himself in love, he couldn’t think of anyone who didn’t love the other.

Maybe it was that, the lingering feeling of contentment, of being happy and sated with what he had.

Of being blind in love.

Maybe he had loves too much… or enough.

Or not.

Sometime love makes your mind foggy, sometimes taught and desire mix with reality and reason.

He didn’t know anymore what the fine wall between reality and desire was, he couldn’t know, not when the other was right here, a sleeping figure, eyes closed and lying down on the floor.

He couldn’t stop himself from approaching him. Enough to see him better under the moon light picking through the window.

It was a late night, hour after coming back from graduation, sober and happy, content of their achievement and dreamy about the future.

It was moment of transition, they were becoming adult now, real adult who would stand up against the world.

But he had chosen this moment, falling inside of his head, exploring the precipice of his soul where everything ends up with his love.

It wasn’t even the alcohol that was making him move closer, but certainly not his reason.

He was aware that it wasn’t right, that feeling, and action was two different things, but there were no one to see, no one to judge, no one to laugh at him.

Just himself and the man lying, face restful, lips parted and hair messy on the floor.

He was beautiful. The types of beauty that he want to draw in street walls for the world to see, to represent in a painting and filled canvas after canvas, the beauty of an art that he couldn’t reproduce even if he was his muse.

A beauty that an evil soul would cage behind locked door.

And he was aware of that, sometime, when he looked at the other face, smiling and laughing, or sad and sobbing he just couldn’t stop himself from the flood of word taking him.

Word of love and beauty, and everything in between.

He could write songs after songs about him, never having enough time and ink to stop writing everything. But there wasn’t, enough word, enough language, enough canvas to describe the flood of emotions he was feeling for the other.

The world wasn’t enough.

But it wasn’t just that, his voice. Deep like an ocean of petal. Clear and suave.

His eyes, sharp and kind. Like the moon brightly shining in a dark sky, like a warm blanket on your shoulder in cold night.

His nose, that his finger where itching to bop every time, his silky hair that his hands were longing to touch.

His soft long finger that sometimes he would play with when he was courageous enough.

The other was everything he was not.

Someone that god had blessed.

He could say more and more and never stop.

And maybe it was his love for him talking but he didn’t care.

And maybe in that moment it was also his love acting instead of himself, but he didn’t care.

It was so easy to get lost in the other scent, musk and something like a forest, savage and wild like he was. It was endearing and a lot addicting.

Like a drug.

And maybe he was addicted.

He was attracted by him like the earth to the sun, approaching more and more every single time, draw in by his light, his presence, his smile.

And he didn’t care to burn.

It wasn’t hard to give in to the temptation, It wasn’t hard to bend himself down, a mere centimeter away from the other face.

Breathing in the same air.

Testing the other breath in his lips like the Adam’s apple.

Sweet and tempting.

Even in the dark room, he could see his handsome features, his delicate hand on his stomach, looking at every detail of the other to his shapes eyebrow to his long legs.

Looking at everything he could takes when he still could. Like a starved man.

It was nerve wracking, really, to see himself this close to what he wanted, so close and so far away at the same time.

And maybe it was that, he could take, he could take without the other knowing anything, it was just here, the lips he wanted to kiss so bad, just a breath away.

So slowly, counting every second, every past moment, praying for the other to not wake up. Because he couldn’t stop himself, not now. Not when he was so close.

Praying to let him take just that, just this once.

And finally having it.

The feeling of their lips touching, chaste and sweet was amazing, it wasn’t an explosion of fireworks.

It was melting, a kiss given to a flower. Delicate and tender.

Like the other could break if he tried to show what his feelings were.

Heavier than what the world was capable to hold.

And his world was him and only him.

He wanted to continue, to kiss him everywhere, to show him, affection, love, respect, dedication in every patch of his skin. To show him how much he meant to him.

But he knew, he knew that it was too much.

Sometimes even his own body was not enough to contain all the love he had for the other.

And maybe right know it wasn’t enough too.

The kiss wasn’t even close to what he wanted.

Suddenly, he was feeling disgusted, hand trembling and tears gathering in his eyes.

Disgusted by what he did, by what the other would think of him if he knew, of what he would think of himself when he would be in his right mind.

He moved away.

Burned by the sun and rejected from his warm like comet.

It hurt.

Because it wasn’t enough.

He had forgot for a moment something that he had tell himself every day.

He had forgot that drug was something human shouldn’t touch, that addiction could bring to death or to better cases to desperation.

He forgot that a drug addict who couldn’t afford his drug become a desperate and hopeless person.

Especially when the drug is something unreachable.

And he had try it.

So he moved away like he had been burned and maybe he was really burned, he had approach the sun to much, to suddenly without care. Body trembling from all the word, the emotion, the feeling that was trying to escape him.

They were heavy in his throat, restricting his heart and making his body trembling with guilt and repulsion in himself.

Like an acid taking oven his body.

He stands up in shaking legs and blurry vision, tears striping down his cheeks and before a sob bloke from his throat he gets out.

This was all he could do.

Getting away, running, leaving far away from the other.

Carrying the weight of his love on his shoulder, alone and already starved from the distance.

It was all he had, the guilt, the desperation, the forgiveness of what he did.

And ugly sob taking over his body.

It was over.

Now that he was alone, he could listen every negative taught of his mind, he could die like a starved man too.

But not now.

Now he had to live with his love but Alone.

Alone.

And starved.


	2. I Love You Still

4 years ago,

Seoul, Imperial Hotel

Taehyung had never thought he would ever be here one day.

The hotel was majestic, white marble pillar, and red carpet covering the stairs. The place was grandiose, made of golden decoration and velvet curtain. The immensity of the wedding taking place, was absolutely worthy of the groom, Kim Seokjin.

The man that every person wanted since he had shown himself years ago. Kim Seokjin, son of a The Miss Korea of the 90s and of a CEO was what every single person of this country wanted for himself.

He was handsome, plump lower lips that even Taehyung had thought to kiss in his college days, innocent but sharp eyes, silky raven hair, and broad shoulders. The man was the shining stars since a few years and didn’t seems to shine less for the next decade, an actor that directors and viewer all wanted, it was hard to conceived that he was here, to the Wedding of The Korea Prince…

Because Taehyung was.

And he had a hard time thinking about it.

His heart was pounding.

Deafening to his own ears, so much that he couldn’t listen to Jimin anymore, who was trying to calm him down. He feels his hand squeezing his and his lips moving that he knew was words, but he couldn’t understand anything.

Wide eyes, he tried to move back to the exit in a moment of panic, but Jimin stopped him.

“Taehyung, you’re here for answers, you can do that, you’re braver than what you think, you can to that.”

And maybe this time, Jimin was wrong, because his inside was churning, the feeling to throw up was close, his face must be pale enough even with the makeup he had very carefully choose, that Jimin takes his shoulder, forcing him to look at him, and even if the other was shorter, Taehyung was feeling smaller.

He follows his best friend movement, breathing in and out, slowly, deeply. Organizing his thought, and prep talking himself internally.

“Good, really good, are you feeling better?”

It takes him a few more breathing before answering, saying a simple “No” with a tight voice that even in his own ears was to weak, but he didn’t care, at the moment, he was feeling every shade of the word _fear_.

Contrary to what it seem, he wasn’t here as a fan, he wasn’t even a big fan of Seokjin, yes, he has seen all of his movies, yes, he had think of his lips and yes, the actor may had been his gay awakening but he wasn’t here for Kim Seokjin, not when the other Groom was the center of his panic attack.

He wasn’t a fan trying to enter the hotel to meet his celerity crush, he had an Official invitation card, send by… he didn’t even know who.

He was here for the person Kim Seokjin was marrying.

Kim Namjoon.

His best friend in university.

That he hadn’t seen in the past 2 years.

He had been surprised, shocked even to see the card in his letter box. Giddy, and happy too but at the same time when he had read the name written, his had been in a mess of feelings and thought, staring to the card long enough that Jimin had to come in his room and see the wedding invitation himself.

If it wasn’t for him, Taehyung would never have come, but Jimin had insisted to be here, “Because you have to find the answer, Tae.”

But the thing was, he had so many questions and so little time to ask them, he didn’t even know if Namjoon wanted to see him, he didn’t even know if Namjoon had been the one who send him the card, after all, he hadn’t talk to the other in two long years even when Taehyung had tried to reach for the other.

He was lost.

He breathes deeply, looking at Jimin in the eyes, resolute and trying to build any courage, he wasn’t ready, but he had finally an opportunity to face Namjoon, so he nods, heart never slowing his speed.

“I’m ready.” He said, ignoring the shaking in his voice.

“Like you should be, I’ll help you talk to him, okay? So, don’t worry.” Jimin said, vice gentle but confident, and Taehyung was so thankful for the other to be here.

They enter the hotel, the weeding room was already full, as much beautiful than the hotel itself, all celebrities seems to have gathered, some that the two had seen at some point on TV, but Taehyung didn’t care, his eyes were searching for one and only person.

With the only question turning in his mind like a mantra.

“Why did you leave me 2 years ago?”

∞

_Today,_ _Seoul._

Namjoon was so tired.

He always hated plane, but what he hated the most was the long flight in the middle of the day. If it was at night, he could at least sleep in the plane and start his day normally, or if the flight was at day, he could busy himself and sleep when he get home, but the flight in the middle of the afternoon were so tiring, he was feeling himself tearing apart between sleeping right there or keeping his eyes open.

He had taken a taxi from the airport with heavy legs and eyes trying to shut down, he knew he wasn’t in good shape but looking at his reflection in the window was making him sigh every time, dark circle due to the tight schedule of last weeks of were showing, his hair were falling on his eyes, dull and messy, even his skin seems dry and pale.

In other words, he looks like death.

If it wasn’t for Sarang waiting for him, he would have already been fast asleep.

He sighs trying to smile to his reflection, to at least seems happy, but even the strain of his face was like a grimace. He could sleep a few hours before seeing the little girl, but he knew that if he falls asleep now, he won’t be able to wake up before a few days.

And Sarang wasn’t known as a patient child, she wasn’t Seokjin daughter for nothing.

Smiling a little thinking of the little girl, he takes his phone out of his pocket and see a few texts from Seokjin asking where he was. And he wanted to answer, he really did, but knowing him, he would call him with the little girl bouncing in the other lap and with the face he had, he didn’t want to make them worried, so he send a quick ‘home soon’ and switch off his phone.

Head rolling on the window, he turned to the street of Seoul.

In the years he had leave the city, Seoul hadn’t changed, seeing the same street, people and building was putting a small _used to_ feeling on him, his eyes had stopped looking everywhere in amazement, the only place where he could never stop coming fac his university, but that was for other reasons.

Namjoon liked to see new thing, new faces and new horizon, it was what kept him inspired. And it sems Seoul had already give him everything.

Tokyo had been a breath of fresh air, the smile, the faces, the streets, even the moon at night had fill his note book, pages black with ink and scribble of words coming in mind, if it was him he would have stayed longer but he had a duty as a father in Seoul and he would never put it second.

The taxi stopped in front of his building, a residential area were Namjoon lived since he moved out from Seokjin’s, it was similar to any building, nothing special, or amazing live he should apparently have according to Seokjin, but it was his home, comfortable and warm, his safe place that he had choose and change carefully.

Paying the driver, he put his mask in place and sunglasses, two item he had learn to live with since he had meat Seokjin and open the car door.

With only his bag in hand, he walks to his building. He hadn’t taken much to Tokyo and didn’t buy anything there to stylish himself, his schedule was so hectic that he was most of his days and night with Yoongi in the studio.

If it wasn’t for Hoseok who had follow his husband, the two would have been already dead by now, by starvation and tiredness, and probably craziness too...

He had just bought a few gifts for Sarang, and a fluffy sweater that he know Seokjin would fall in love with.

There relation might seem strange to other eyes, but after their divorce they had stayed friends, their separation wasn’t due to fight or betrayal like how the media liked to write, it was a mutual decision of two adults. They had meet as friends and would stay even with everything that happen.

It takes him time to enter the building, the more his brain was recognizing the place, the more his body seems heavy, shutting down slowly, like sending a signal “ _we’re safe, let’s sleep_ ” and yeah, Namjoon would have if he was still in college, he remember sleeping in the middle of the university field because he was to hot in the dorm with… He shakes his head, trying to thing straight again and enter the elevator.

Thinking of the past, wake him up a little, he sigh, he wanted to let himself fall in his head, but it wasn’t the moment, Seokjin might already be home, and he wasn’t ready to explain why he was crying.

For other, Namjoon was just an oversensitive person, and maybe he was, but Namjoon was mostly sad, thinking of something he didn’t, could never have. His past would always mages tears flow on his cheeks and it wasn’t something that would change.

When the door of the lift slides open, he sighs in relief seeing his own door, the feeling of coming back home after seven long months was so good that he felt a smile already pulling his face apart.

He had barely taken his key out of his pocket that his door opened letting a piercing cry heard. A cry that was so so familiar that he was already prepared to fall on his butt, like so many times before.

And here he was, falling backward and arm coming to protect instantly the little body already wrapping around him like koala.

“Appa, appa, appa!”

And he laughs, happiness taking over every cell of his body, hugging the little body to him, warm and soft and so so small. So fragile that he wanted it to keep him against him forever.

“My little love, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you more, I missed you so so much” emphasizing on the “o” sound.

And yeah, Namjoon was falling in love all over again, he moved away a little, seeing the girl eyes damping with tears, and Namjoon laugh kissing her forehead and nose. It would happen sometimes, when Sarang would be too overwhelmed, his body to young and small to contain everything in her, words to poor to express what she was feeling, so she could cry, silently.

“I’m here now little love, I’m not leaving again”

“Promise?” she asked with a small voice, tears falling down f his red cheeks and lower lips trembling.

“Pinky promise.” He said, taking his already stretched small pinky toward him. She giggles, hugging him again, refusing to let go, and he didn’t mind, kissing her forehead, nose and cheeks making her giggles and happy, and forgot the falling tears.

“Appa, I love you.” She said, looking at him wide eyes.

“I love you to baby.”

They stay like that, on the floor, close to each other after months of seeing each other in a small screen. It had been the first time one of her two parents had to go away for so long, something seeing her so upset, he wouldn’t let it happen ever again.

When he stands up, keeping Sarang close to his chest, he crossed Seokjin warm gaze who was back against the door, a small smile on his face. He comes to them, taking his bag from the floor, before a hand comes to Sarang hair, pushing them away.

“Welcome Back” His voice was sweet, happy, a little amused, but Namjoon didn’t care, he was so happy to say anything else other than a small.

“I miss you too, Seokjin.” He laughs seeing the other eyebrow disappearing behind his hair.

“I know, but you won’t heard it from me.” The older said, already turning away from them to put the bag away, but Sarang pip up from his hidden place on Namjoon shoulder.

“Daddy missed you to, he said it every day.” And Namjoon burst out laughing, kissing Sarang on her head again and again, and hearing Seokjin protest and turning to them with betrayal in his face.

He was tired, but coming back home to them was always relaxing, happiness filling him, he closed the door behind him, he had seven months to catch up with his little girl.

∞

Namjoon liked to work at night with his windows open and night air going inside, he would stay by it, back against the wall and eyes on the dark sky.

It was the time of the day when the roads would be quiet, when people would we fast asleep and so there was nothing to disturb his thought, nothing to stop him for thinking about what he shouldn’t.

It was also when his words were flowing the most.

His notebook was always on his knee, a habit he had taken from university, in his dorm where he would stay by the window too, who at the time had for only scenery the back yard but it will always calm him down, filling pages after pages with inks.

Now after years of changing in his life, his habit had stayed, everything was the same, the same notebook, filled and black with word, the same longing gaze on the roads, the same posture. The only difference was the person next to him.

Now he had Sarang, asleep and arms around his appa legs, trying to take as much warmness as possible, she wasn’t the person who was on those pages, but she was what was left.

Namjoon was a poet, he had written words after words since he was a child, words he would transform in lyrics that he had hoped to perform in from of people when he was still a teen.

But he was to young, and so his works was too raw, too honest.

Too naked.

Until he met him, his best friend. The only one who had ever read his entire notebook after promising that he was just curious. And Namjoon had been afraid to give himself away, but something was telling him that it was the time, the moment to tell how he loved him.

Bu seeing the eyes widen, amazed and in awe, he didn’t say anything. He still remembers how the other had clutch to his notebook for days, not wanting to let go, reading for hour the same pages, crying silently.

Never knowing that those words were for him.

“Joonie…” he had said in a whisper, the only one to use this nickname. “You had to persevere, you had to make a name, please, don’t let your words die, make them heard by the world.”

And it was what he needed, the push from the only one who matter.

He never had thought to become one of the most successful producer, it had happened quickly, to quickly for his licking, one moment he was a mere student struggling to eat three times a day and the other he were watching his name on billboard.

But he was glad, now he had the power to scream at the world how much he loved, to say out loud how much he loved without fear and distress. Even when his feelings weren’t mutual.

The real lyrics he had tried so hard to hide from his best friend were now heard by anyone, he had hoped to be heard by him, hoped that somewhere in this world, his words were heard by the other because it had always been for him.

Even when he wasn’t with him anymore.

The sun was starting to rise, ray of sunshine piking trough buildings, the view was always beautiful, the start of a new day, a new life to come, a new chance to take.

And here he was writing again, sad and melancholic, pouring lyrics after lyrics.

Those time were always a moment of weakness for him, where he would bare his soul to the world, but it was those moment too who made RM.

He would always write till dawn, following with his eye’s passerby, and writing stories about lost love and beautiful smile.

Seokjin had been his voice before everything, singing his every song, recording with him till past midnight in studio the older would ask in his company, but at that time when he was still too happy to finally reach his dream, he didn’t know that Seokjin was doing it for love, as much as him.

Seokjin who loved him, a person whose heart had already be taken.

For Namjoon, Seokjin had been the only one to transfer those feelings retracted In him, the only one who would read those lyrics with an eye of love, who would read it with what it was.

Raw and pure love.

His voice was different from the one Namjoon wanted it to sing, but it was enough to make RM born, by a game of cat and mouse between them.

Their relation wasn’t healthy at all, he was the first one to know that, they started what they have with two different view, two different feelings.

Love for the other and forgetfulness for him.

Seokjin had love him but Namjoon had and will always love only one person, so letting Seokjin sings lyrics of love, letting him hope of something Namjoon couldn’t give was something the two of them had learn too late.

Something that takes time for Seokjin to understand, and when he did, his smile had been different, more restraint, and less happy.

“Namjoon, I’m the not the and I could never be, let’s stop here before one of us get hurts more than they were hurting now.”

That was when he knew that he had been the worst person, the worst friend, the worst husband.

But mostly the worst father.

They had been no scream, no argument, not even a tear when they part, just words, spoken in a small voice. And it had made Namjoon cry silently that night, with Sarang who was still a baby, in his arm.

He had been hurt and so regretful to had drag in his despair the only person who had understand him, but they stayed friends, for Sarang, they tried to stay as closer as the two of them could.

They had divorced and where leaving in other parts of Seoul, but the little girl would see the two of them every week, they would often meet for lunch or dinner, and if they can come to each other house.

But friends that that don’t stay the night, it was a silent agreement between them, so whenever they come to each other’s, they would stay until Sarang fall asleep before bidding they goodbye and leaving.

They were adult and as one, they should be able to deal with it like one, but one mistake had been enough to make this decision, a mistake including liquor, tongue and skin, not even a few day before their divorce.

It had been awkward after that, for weeks, Sarang was not even two years old so she couldn’t understand what was going on, but it wasn’t something he wanted to go trough again. Not when the little girl was understanding more and more about the world.

Sarang stir in his sleep, whining after a ray of sunshine come to caress his face, hiding behind his appa leg.

They had stayed home an entire week since he came back, eating take out and trying to prepare something together but ending up in a disaster, he wasn’t doing a great job as a father, but he was trying hard.

He couldn’t really catch up the seven past months with her, so he had asked Seokjin to keep her as much as possible in next weeks, before he started to work again.

That was why tonight, they decided to have dinner together at Seokjin’s, it was normally a pretest to eat real food, but when he had learn from the little girl that “Tata is my new bestest friend, appa.”, he had been lost.

It had taken a long explanation from Sarang, to how Tata is amazing! And how _He know everything, appa!_ before had called Seokjin who had been silent a few seconds.

“I forgot, didn’t I ?” That’s how he learns that Tata was the new Babysitter, who keeps Sarang occupied at days, and would sometimes stay the night when the girl didn’t want to let him go.

“He’s amazing, Jonnie, I promise, I’m sorry that I made the decision alone, but he’s trustful and I arranged an agency to have him, so don’t worry.”

“I want to meet him” that was how, the surprised dinner transform into and arrangement one, he wasn’t really comfortable with stranger around his baby, with Seokjin and his own job, he couldn’t trust anyone other than himself and his closest friends.

But when he saw the glint of happiness in Sarang eyes when he says that they would meet Tata, he knew that even if he doesn’t like him, he would have to be lenient.

He looked down at his little girl, still asleep, and smile at how his nose was crutching, she had grown so much in months, his long hair touching his shoulders, she was just 4 and he knew that she has all her life in front of her, but Namjoon was feeling like time was running away from him.

Tears gather in his eyes, looking at her. She reminds him of all his mistakes, not that she was one, Sarang would never be a mistake, but she was the result of what he hadn’t done in his life.

Of his fails and none spoken feelings.

He was always missing those days when he was still just Namjoon, a simple student in love with his best friend. Someone who had nothing in around him, but so much in his heart.

Now looking at Sarang, he had everything, anyone could want, but nothing other than bleeding wounds in his heart.

All he had left was regret, he wasn’t wretch, not with whatever he had, but he had a wish, the only one he had carried in his heart since he had left his best friend.

It was to see him again, just once, see the one who had made him what he was, who was the muse of his words, the subject of his music and the reason of his divorce.

Just once.

Sarang moved against him, climbing slowly on his legs and head rolling on his stomach, the morning was never hard with her, sha was always eager to start the day, a treat she takes from Seokjin.

“Appa…” she whines, trying to open her eyes, face rubbing against his shirt making him smile, he started to caress his hair braided clumsily. His doing.

“You can sleep a little more baby, it’s too early.”

But she whines again, shaking her head, hand coming to him, asking to be held, and he did, taking her in his arms in a protective hold. He felt her falling asleep again, head of his shoulders, and warm little body cringing to him.

“Appa sing…” his drowsy voice comes, eyes still closed.

And Namjoon was lost, he looked at her a moment trying to know if she was dreaming, but when she moved a little after another whine, he caress her hair back.

“What do you mean baby?”

He had never sing her anything to sleep, his vocal was shit and Seokjin wouldn’t stay to one song knowing him.

“Bird song” she whispers sleepily, but it didn’t give anything to him, so he asked with a small smile when she looks up to him with a pout.

“Would you sing it a little for me, I don’t remember.”

And when she did after a sigh, lips moving against his shirt his heart stopped.

It was a song of waiting, of love and friendship, of a bird singing all night for his loved one.

He knew it well, had graved it in his heart every lyric of it, he could play it eyes closed in a piano if he had ever learned to play one.

Because he had written it himself.

It had been his first song, his first ever written when he was in high school, and the only one his best friend had never read. He always wanted to listen to it by every tongue, because Namjoon knew that at some point the person he wanted it to listen would hear them.

But listening it on Sarang lips was another story.

“Where did you learn the song, Sarang?” And the girl stopped singing, moving away and eyes going wide like when she was scold, and it must be normal, because Namjoon never called her name, except when she had done something wrong.

“Tata did.” She whispers, eyes looking at him hesitantly. “He said it’s a special song, that everyone should sing it to everyone.”

Seeing the girl trying so careful, makes him heart ache, he tried to breath calmly, blinking away tears but the little saw them.

“Appa, why are you crying?” frowning and eyes wetting too, she was probably thinking that it was her fault, but Namjoon smiled warmly kissing her forehead and taking her back in his arms.

“Nothing my love, appa was just sad because of your song.” She didn’t say anything, looking up at him with a frown, but when he kissed her nose asking with a king voice.

“Would you sing it for me ?” The little girl nod, smiling brightly, hesitance still lingering in her eyes, her voice was still drowsy and a little off, and she was eating half of the lyrics, but Namjoon knowing the song by heart listened a small smile on his face, tears coming again that this he let them fall.

“You know that it’s special song, written for a special person, right?” He asked when she finished, the city was slowly waking up to, with it the noise of life.

“I know, Tata told me.” And Namjoon wanted to cry, because he wanted someone else to know that, he wanted his best friend to know it. Not all people know about that song.

4 O’clock.

He’s special song, the one Seokjin had first sing, it was one that wasn’t really popular, being raw and still in debut phase, and certainly not listened on radio, mostly she was one of the few, that only his first fans knew about.

He wasn’t really glad about that, because it was THE song he wanted to be listened, and he would often try to bring it back after remixing or something, but every times, 4 O’clock would be disregarded, and every time he would sigh deeply.

Like the world didn’t was telling him that it wasn’t time.

He had written his heart on it, the heart of a teenager waiting for his love.

Looking back at Sarang, who was watching him curiously, he just smiles, moving his hair away from his forehead.

“Let’s get ready, baby.”

He didn’t want to think now, not when he had a long day before him, and a reason to continue being RM.

∞

Taehyung was in the middle of an aisle choosing between two cheeses when he received a message from Seokjin Hyung, asking to prepare something without a list of ingredients listed at the bottom, and reading it, Taehyung had his heart beating faster.

It was 7 months now since he worked for The Kim Seokjin, renowned actor and singer, father of a 4 years old girl and still active and shinning.

It started when his agency were searching for a full time nanny for the next 7 months and Taehyung had offered his service, he was himself in search for a full job at that time and was in charge of a little boy who would soon go to kindergarten and wouldn’t need him anymore, so it wasn’t hard to take the new job, being from the few employee still free.

All he knew was that it was a little girl, still not schooled.

The agency had the policy to never reveal his client identity, working with celebrities too, because if he had known he would have said no immediately.

Because right now, Taehyung was freaking out, actually he was freaking out since the past two weeks, when Seokjin hyung said that Sarang other appa would be coming back and would probably meet him.

And since then he couldn’t sleep at night, and would always be at Jimin home, trying to sooth himself, but even Jimin couldn’t help him, not when he didn’t know why he was so afraid.

Closing the message, he trying to concentrate back to his shopping, knowing already what he shouldn’t takes, what Sarang appa hated to eat or was allergic to, because he already knew that by heart.

Because Taehyung had been Kim Namjoon best friend in university, at least he had thought that until the older disappear after graduation and never come back.

Namjoon had left without a word, without anything behind for Taehyung to know at least _why_ , and when he had tried to have some answers, all he had was a changed number.

He had been able to come to the Kim-Kim Couple wedding 2 years later with an invitation he didn’t even know why he received in the first place.

So he didn’t want to tie some past relation that apparently were meant to broke.

And certainly not when Namjoon didn’t want anything to do with him for whatever reason.

But he was Taehyung, and never in his life he could ignore anything about Namjoon, that was the reason why, he had accept the job 7 months ago, to the door open with Kim Seokjin and a little girl not taller than his leg facing him, he just couldn’t step back.

He had felt sick, paling and wanting to just run away. Seokjin had been as pretty as he remembered him the day of his wedding if not more. Plump lips smiling at him, and raven silky hair falling on his eyes.

And maybe Taehyung could see why Namjoon loved him so much.

He had listened to every of his song, listen to his dedication, to his feelings purring in words, and Taehyung had wanted to know why their marriage had fall apart when his love was so clear and oblivious.

But then, his eyes fall on the little girl, same raven hair, long and silky, his face was a mixture of his two fathers, eyes and lips similar to Seokjin, and face and nose from the other one, she was beautiful, shyly peeking behind his appa leg.

He had fall for her immediately, little Sarang that had made him curious every day, but whose face had never been shown to the public, she has the heart of his birthing father, and the brain of Namjoon, and Taehyung knew as the day go on that he just couldn’t turn away from her.

Even when the entire day, he had search for sign to the other parent but then Seokjin had said.

“Just so you know, I need you because his appa would be in Japan for the next 7 months or so, but if everything went good, I might need you longer.”

And Taehyung had been instantly relaxed, enjoying the little girl monolog about his _favorite things in the entire world._

She was amazing, a pure wonder of a child, and the Kim’s were so lucky to have her. He never regretted to start working for them, not a single day, until today.

Now everything was back full blow on his face,

“Courageous, be Courageous Kim Taehyung, you’re not like Namjoon, you’re courageous.” He said to himself, breathing deeply in the middle of the supermarket and clutching his phone in his hand and slowly relaxing.

He had think many time to how he would face his ex-best friend again, and that since the said person had decided to desert his life, he had passed two year in agony trying to understand what had makes the other do what he had done, had thing of something Taehyung might have said or do, but every time Jimin was here to wipe off his tears.

Until he received this invitation, at that moment he was in the phase to tear apart the page called Kim Namjoon of his book, so receiving this card had been like a wildfire.

It had been hard to just forget about him, Taehyung was the type of person who cared about his friends, who wanted to know if there would be anything wrong so he could help, and he had hoped that this friendship with Namjoon wasn’t just some fellowship, but a deep bond.

At least it was what he had thought.

Learning that Namjoon was marrying without him had hurt, he still remember how they had promised to be each other witness, how they would help each other in their most important moment, Taehyung had ever thing of his outfit, but he had been apparently too forward…

The wedding had been amazing, to the image of the two grooms, and looking at their moment of happiness, he hadn’t approach them, seeing them looking lovingly at each other had been enough for him to know that at least, his best friend was happy, hand covering Seokjin huge stomach.

Sighing again, he put the cheese in his basket, changing aisle quickly to be over with it, he had all his time to think about the past, it was what he was doing for the last 6 years.

To say the truth, Taehyung could quiet, make up an excuse and left knowing well how Seokjin would let him go knowing his gold heart, but he wasn’t a coward, he wasn’t Namjoon to not face whatever happened years ago, so he won’t.

Even if his heart wanted to go out of his chest at how much it was beating since he had read the text.

He was feeling weak again, lost even with how his hand were trembling from the perspective to face Namjoon after 6 years.

It seems like, he hadn’t tear off the “Kim Namjoon” page from his book properly, but now he could face him and do it like he should had done, he had to.

He was Kim Taehyung, he was a professional, he could do it.

And he will.

So putting his earphone back in his ear, he breathe deeply, listening to RM voice singing _Moonchild_ , he step out of the store with hand full of bags.

If he had followed Namjoon during all those years, nobody has to know, certainly not Jimin who could skin him alive if he knew that Taehyung was following a ghost.

He could still support him even if the other hated him, even if that reality hurt so much.

∞

Sarang was exited, Namjoon could see it in the way she bounced everywhere, jumping from the couch to the ground, on his back and hugging him as much as his small body could, and talking nonstop about every single detail concerning Tata, that he learned was the name of his caregiver.

How he would play with her, how he smile, how he was his best friend and had promised to never leave her.

And Namjoon listen asking question when he was lost about who was Yeontan.

_It’s his doggy ! his sooo cute, and sooo small, I want to meet him too but Daddy said that it’s a baby and could get hurt and…_

And get in a long monologue that Namjoon was fascinated with. Seeing how her eyes would shine brightly and how she would clap laughing at another memory with Tata, and really, Namjoon wanted to meet the person who had robbed the heart of his little love.

It was 2 in the afternoon when they left his apartment, going down in the parking with Sarang hand in his.

“How about a welcome gift for Tata ?” And Sarang exited, cry out in the middle of the parking lot, voice resonating through the wall.

“A puppy ! Tata want a puppy !” Eyes shining at the idea of it, but Namjoon just smile, opening his door and tie her correctly to her sit.

“Didn’t she already have a puppy ? How about a cake in form of a puppy ?” he asked hooking her belt.

“Tata is a boy !” she said offended, looking at him with a frown like it was the most obvious thing.

And maybe it was, knowing how he had described every single detail about the caregiver, and Namjoon should have been a little more attentive, instead he kissed her forehead before getting in the car too.

They buy the cake in the kid section of the supermarket, red with black eyes, a choice from Sarang herself because “It looks like Yeontan !”

During the way to Seokjin’s, she sang every song Namjoon would hum, clapping her head when she would know one of them and pouting when she would have to wait for the next one saying that “Tata didn’t sang this one”

The neighborhood of his ex-husband was like he remembers, calm and residential, fool of green space and plant covering many house walls. It was the type of place perfect to live his old age, and Namjoon had already planned to live here when he would be alone and wrinkled.

He takes the cake in his hand even when the little girl promising to not let it fall, but knowing that his own gene was in her, he didn’t trust her, so he take her hand in the other one, approaching the gate that he let her press the button happily bouncing in place. They didn’t have to wait for the caregiver voice to be heard, Seokjin as still on se and had said them that he would be late, and Namjoon hadn’t mind, not until the door opened to a tall figure.

Freezing when he met the other gaze.

There in front of him in a simple apron was Taehyung, not even paying him attention and crouching down to Sarang level with his arm already stretch when the girl cry out him name jumping on him, the two laughing and hugging each other like lost friend.

He looks at Taehyung kissing Sarang cheek before whispering something in her ear that makes her moved away a little, enough for him to stand up correctly with the little girl hand still clutching tightly in the her caregiver pant.

And during all this greeting, Namjoon hadn’t stopped looking at him.

“Annyeonghaseyo, I’m Kim Taehyung, the caregiver, Seokjin hyung had already said that Sarang appa would come.” He looked at Namjoon with a professional smile, and Namjoon felt his heart blowing, he was looking at his love after 6 years.

6 long years during which he never stops thinking about him, and it was disconcerting to face the other, to look at him without letting himself slip.

Taehyung hadn’t changed much, he was more handsome, gained muscles and height, his hair were a little longer falling on his eyes, and his jaw sharper. He was beautiful, so beautiful that Namjoon had a hard time looking anywhere else.

“Kim Namjoon” He whispered not knowing how to say anything else.

“Nice to meet you, I was preparing dinner, so I’ll continue, I won’t bother you but if you need me, I’ll be happy to help.” Taehyung voice was distant, something that wasn’t settling right with him, but he was still in a state when he just couldn’t think of anything else other than the fact that his love was in front if him, it takes him a moment to nod, looking at the other moving away without waiting for another reply, stealing all his little girl attention and going inside the house without another glance, and Namjoon was lost.

Because Taehyung was ignoring him, and Namjoon in the moment couldn’t think of any reason, he himself hadn’t change much, but even if he had, all Korea knew who were Sarang parents.

Was he ignoring him ? It was probably remembering his he himself had left, without a word, without looking back…

He follow them quietly, heart beating and feeling it bursting with feelings, he had never thing that he would meet him again because when he had left, it was with the resolution to forgot everything, Namjoon wasn’t an idiot he knew from the start that his action must have hurt Taehyung, and he wanted many time to just send him a message, of a letter telling him that he was fine, that he just wanted some distance to get right of his feelings, but he never had enough courage to face him, never think that hi silence could have been hurting and never he had think in his life of the possibility to meet him again.

Even if he had hoped.

Entering the house, he see small change about it, about how Taehyung had enter his Sarang life so easily, new painting had been added that he could easily see was Taehyung own work, about how Sarang toy wasn’t in the living room floor anymore, how the little girl liked to stay glued to his caregiver side and see what he was doing, listening to what Taehyung was saying with heart eyes.

It was ironic how Taehyung had so easily made home even in his little girl heart.

“You have to tell me what you did with appa after diner, love.” Come the other adult voice, kinder than he remember, calmer too, like he had matured in those years, like he had lost his own childishness.

And the though makes him turn away, going straight to Seokjin room where he fall on the bed heavily to calm down.

Calm his heart who hadn’t stopped his race since he had seen the other.

Namjoon wanted to leave, being far away from Taehyung was the only option for him to stay sane, so he sends a text to Seokjin asking where he was, hands clutching the phone like a lifeline.

He didn’t know if it was a bad joke or what, he had avoided the other all this time, making sure to never try finding Taehyung, knowing how it wouldn’t be something neither of them would want.

Sighing deeply, he looks at his screen when his phone buzz, calming a little when he see that the other was leaving his photoshoot.

That’s it, he just has to wait a little before breathing again, because at the moment he was feeling like he couldn’t.

∞

When Seokjin come home, Namjoon is still hiding, bedroom door closed and siting on the older bed with his lips between his teeth, it had been less than thirty minute since his text, thirty long minute that he passed with his mind reeling.

It didn’t take long before the door opened making him standup immediately too fidgety to wait, but the moment he saw Seokjin face, he didn’t know what to say.

“Namjoon, why are you hiding?”

Was he that obvious ? He had never been the social type of guy basically, most of his friends were from work, Yoongi was also a producer before becoming is closest friend, and would often be aside when they would get to parties and stay by Yoongi side who liked to be closed to any buffet the event had.

But right know it wasn’t because he couldn’t socialize with the “new caretaker” like what Taehyung was supposed to be, it was because the said person wasn’t that for him at all.

He looks at the other taking some clothes out of his closet, putting them on the bed, before turning to him, waiting for an answer that Namjoon gives frowning a little.

“I won’t stay for dinner.”

And like always it wasn’t what he wanted to really say, he had think of what he should talk about, how he could formulate his thoughts, enough so he was coherent and clear, because even if he could give a long speech about the existence of humanity, when it comes to Taehyung, he couldn’t join to sentence correctly.

And Seokjin knew that, at least e knew that when Namjoon talked like a 3 years old child, it was because if the person occupying his heart.

What e really want to say is to change caregiver, but he wasn’t someone who would ruin anyone life, he won’t fire someone just because he was in love with him, so he frown instead, not knowing what he should say or do for the matter.

“Why ? Weren’t you free for another few days?” He was but how could he say that he was being a fucking coward and couldn’t stay in the same room as his first and only love and in the top of that, saying it to his ex-husband

He wanted to pull his hair out.

Seokjin approach him passing his hand in his hair, long finger massaging his scalp tenderly, he closed his eyes sighing, he felt himself relaxing a little.

“Tell me what’s really wrong.” And Namjoon sigh again, thanking the deity to have given him someone like Seokjin in his life who couldn’t understand without any world.

“I… “ When he stopped again, looking up at Seokjin, the other just smile.

“Is it about Taehyung ?” Looking down at Namjoon widening eyes, surprised that the other had caught, was he really that obvious ? But he never had said Taehyung name to anyone, so he just nod, knowing that Seokjin would probably not go where his head really were, and he was right where Seokjin continue.

“Don’t you like him ? He’s a pretty good person and Sarang love him.”

At that moment he wanted Seokjin to knew everything about who Taehyung really was so he won’t have to say it but in that case Taehyung wouldn’t have been here in the first place, but his mouth was shut, world not finding there course and mind not working with him.

Even if Namjoon had a way with worlds that could touch a million person with songs, was a total mess when comes to said anything out loud, especially when it comes to Taehyung.

“No… it’s not that.”

“Then what?”

Sighing deeply, he looks down, asking something completely different from what he originally wanted.

“ You said one time that I should stop lying, do you remember?” Seokjin smile drop, nodding before sitting down next to him.

“I did, and I’ll stay by what I have said.”

He remembers the night Seokjin had left him, they had a long discussion, which he remembered every single word.

_You can’t hide your feeling forever, Namjoon, not when you’re carrying them even after all those years, and if there are truth, if those feeling are your truth, hiding them would be a lie._

He couldn’t forget them since then.

“But what if I say the truth and someone get hurt? Does this truth should still be told?” he asks, hesitation in his voice.

“The truth is meant to harm someone Namjoon, you can’t let other people be safe and think that everything would be good. Someone will get hurt anyway, you have to choose between hurting someone with a lie or hurting with the truth.”

He knew what was best, he knew deep down, that all those years had been the result of a single lie, and sighing he passed a hand in his hair, listening to the older continue, voice a little lower.

“The truth, it’s something you can heal after, it’s takes time but you heal eventually, but the lie… it’s too deep, you have to dissect what was wrong with what was right, you have to destroy yourself to rebuild after, it hurt a lot more.”

And Namjoon felt that Seokjin was talking about experience and he open his mouth to say something, but the older just shake his head a small smile that didn’t really reach his eyes.

“What we had wasn’t a mistake, you were still hurting, and I was hoping, it wasn’t anyone fault other than our own, don’t make this fault again, don’t let go of what you built in those years.”

He felt Seokjin hand in his shoulder, squeezing and comforting.

“Is if about him? The person you write about?” Making Namjoon nod hesitantly, he looks to Seokjin smiled becoming wider.

“Remember that it’s never late, not when you’re still alive and that he’s still willing to listen to you, you can still face that truth.”

Namjoon felt a little relief knowing that Seokjin understand him, and takes the other hand, holding it tightly.

“I let you go tonight, but I want a dinner in the month with Taehyung” He nod, letting the other help him stand up.

They didn’t talk more, Seokjin giving him his jacket back and saying to wait.

“I’ll pack you the dinner, don’t you dare buy take out.”

When they went out of the room, Sarang was helping mixing something with Taehyung looking so lovely and the little girl that it breaks Namjoon heart a little more. He looks at them a moment, Seokjin shuffling around the two and packing what the other had made.

He called Sarang over when she he stopped what she was going, immediately running over his already stretch arms and letting him kiss her all over.

“Appa have to go now, would you mind staying with daddy tonight?” he said, feeling heavy eyes looking in the side of his face.

“But daddy say you will read me a story ?” come the little pouting voice, small hand already clutching his jacket to not let go.

“I’ll do it tomorrow, promise, I’ll even let you sleep in my bed, and makes a pillow fort.” It seems to make the little girl satisfy enough to makes his eyes shine so brightly and making him laugh.

“Promise ?”

“I promise” He kiss her again, breathing deeply to face the only person he was a hard time looking freely when it was all he wanted, hand not letting go of Sarang to stole for courage before turning to Taehyung whose eyes were looking at him, his expression was neutral, something that Namjoon had never seen in the other face, and it was a little disconcerting.

“Thank you for your work Taehyung-sshi, I hope to see you another time.” He bows, heart hammering in his chest, and didn’t wait for an answer, turning to Seokjin who smile at him giving him a bag that he didn’t question.

“Tell me when you home” He just nod, letting the little girl go, it takes a few minute for him to put his shoes on, and kissing Sarang a last time before getting out, and when he did he breathe deeply.

That night, he didn’t take his car still parked in Seokjin parking, he walks home with thoughts and heart never stopping his race.

Lyrics of 4 O’clock leaving his lips on the entire way.

∞

Namjoon had think an entire week before taking a decision. It was hard to be sure about his own thought, but seeing Taehyung again had makes him hope again, enough that he was feeling courageous again.

Kim Namjoon wasn’t back yet, he was still trapped behind RM name, behind lyrics and words that he had written himself in time when his soul was bleeding and shred into pieces.

He was RM, it was a part of him that had helped him stay alive and sane for so long, he couldn’t reject this part of him, but he needed to detach himself from that part of his soul to reach deeper inside of him for what he wanted to do.

The next day of coming back from Seokjin’s, he had called Yoongi, tormented with his own thought, the older was the only person who knew everything about him, even his dirtiest secret about that damned night.

”I see Taehyung today” He had said, not waiting for the older to say a word, voice a whisper and dripping with every feeling passing through him.

“You what !?” He heard some shuffling and a door being opened before his hyung voice again.

“Tell me, what happened ?”

“He’s Sarang caregiver.” The curses that profiled Yoongi mouth had makes Namjoon ear bleed, but he couldn’t help but felt a little better.

“What the hell …”

“Yeah …” A silence settles down between them, Namjoon looking at his celling and trying to order his thoughts. He remember how he had panicked that graduation night, when he had kissed the object of his every lyrics, how he had been disgusted in himself, and how after that, he couldn’t face Taehyung without thinking about the kiss, about his own betrayal, about how Taehyung would be disappointed in him if ever he knew, about how he knew his best friend didn’t like him at all, that had been mainly why he never looked back, he didn’t want to be the reason Taehyung would be disgusted in humanity

Taehyung had trust him, and Namjoon knew that betrayal was something Taehyung could never let go, even if they were best friends.

Thinking about their meeting, he should have at least called him, takes news and ask how his best friend was.

But Namjoon was the white or black type of guy, he couldn’t just ask about his well-being, if ever he would have taken contact again, he would have wanted Taehyung back in his life again, but he couldn’t, not when all he think was the other lips.

“Did he said something ?”

“No, he was distant, we don’t talk at all.” He heard a sigh, deep, to deep for his liking.

“Okay, it’s better than a fight.” The older said, and he wanted to ask why they would fight in the first place, did something happened ? Maybe he had really fucked up in the end, maybe he had gone too far by leaving him completely, like their friendship was nothing.

Considering how he had react, he shouldn’t be surprised if Taehyung hated him, he wanted to blame what happened to his panic, disgust and his younger self, but to said the truth, he didn’t even know why he did what he had done.

In other eyes, like Yoongi, it was just a kiss, nothing big, he should have confess and let go if the other had said to fuck off, but in Namjoon’s, if was more, it was so much more than just a kiss.

He wanted to go back time, he wanted to say to him how much he loved him. How he would accept nay punishment from his best friend.

“Joonie, just tell me where are you right now ?”

“At home, I couldn’t stay, Sarang loved him, I just couldn’t stay and look at them, I…” he frantically said, remembering every single time he had a glimpse of the younger.

“Okay calm down, do you want to come ?” He heard his own breathing, ragged and fast, trying to calm down with each breathe.

“I need to write, I’m going to the studio.” He stands up, looking around his room to look for his clothes.

“I’m coming.” He could hear things being moved around by the older, a sign that Yoongi was stressed too, and it makes Namjoon guilt again.

“You don’t have to …” He started to say but was again interrupted by Yoongi.

“Hell I don’t have too, I’m coming, just don’t think too much, we’ll talk about everything.”

“Okay but hyung ?” He waited for the shuffling to stop, taking every attention again.

“Yeah ?”

“Should I face him ?”

They were a time when he had tried to contact him, without doing it, it was during the listing of the guest for his wedding, he had write Taehyung name, pen tracing his letters delicately, lovingly, like everytime they would do it when he would write a song, but this time contrary of his note book filled with his name, he had erased it immediately after.

Namjoon remembered everything they had promised to each other, how they will be each other witness, how they would be here for the other special day.

But then again it wasn’t like Namjoon was marrying for love, it was because they had too, for the baby, because they were two adults. Sarang weren’t planned at all, she was the result of too much fucking, despair, and Namjoon not wanting to let go of his own child.

The wedding had been a something he had ask in the heat of the moment _“Do you want to marry me ?”_ He had said, the same day, he had learned about Seokjin pregnancy. They weren’t a romantic diner, not even a bouquet of flower, and maybe he should have thought about it, they were young and carefree, but they were still too young to not enjoy what life had to offer them.

That is if love had been between them, something that wasn’t in the first place.

Seokjin and him were meant to fail, doomed to fail completely, but even if in the end it hadn’t work, they had been happy.

“Do you want to ?” Yoongi ask, making him comeback in the present with a deep sigh leaving his lips, looking outside to the sky, he couldn’t help himself but think that maybe, he was being too hopeful, too forward, maybe he should step down of his own thought and think about everything with a cold head.

But he wanted to face Taehyung, maybe not in the typical way, he didn’t have enough courage for that, and knowing himself he would probably back down at the end if ever he decide to face to face the younger, but he wanted to at least tell the other that he loved him,

It was something Taehyung deserved to know.

“I want to but ... with a song, I want to say him everything with a song.” Because he couldn’t use his mouth when he needed it the most but mostly, this time, the song would be directly for someone.

Someone special, that he hoped would recognize himself.

∞

Sarang was asleep on Namjoon studio couch, head between her arms and small body covered with his appa coat. It’s not the first time Seokjin would find her curled on herself and in dreamland at this late hour, but he knew it won’t be the last.

Their schedule had been tight, between Seokjin new contract for a drama and Namjoon new song, they had to adjust again for the little one but again they had made it. It wasn’t hard to take care of a child even with their job, the girl was a sweet and liked to go anywhere his two parents take her.

This month, Sarang had stayed most of the time with Namjoon to the other request, for who the little girl was an inspiration.

Seokjin hadn’t mind, loving to see his little girl learning a new words whenever she would come back from Namjoon’s, she also loved to spend time in the studio, mostly to sit in Yoongi lap, who was the only one letting her play with his piano and music things.

What he minds, was his daughter father being stressed out 24h before the release of his song.

“It would be okay, Joonie, why would you stress over something you did a hundred time before ?” He said, closing the door of the studio behind him before approaching the couch to take the little girl, he saw Namjoon jump on his chair with the corner of his eyes and turning to him, pulling down his headset.

He doesn’t try to deny, pouting to be caught red handed listening to his song again.

“I know... I just…” The other stopped mid-sentence, knowing there was no point to say anything, sighing loudly before closing his files. He looks at Seokjin then, who had already taken Sarang in his arms, the girl snuggling in his hold head hiding in his daddy neck.

Months ago, Namjoon had booked a couch specially for sleep, Sarang loved to fall on his old one when she would be tired and would always complain that she want to be held on it, often Namjoon or Yoongi would take her on their arm, waiting for her to fall asleep before continuing their work in whisper, she had developed a detector, whining in her sleep when one of them would try to put her down, so at some point he decided to takes a new couch, the most comfortable one and had test it himself the first entire week before letting Sarang sleep on it, and it seems working. Namjoon would find her most often in the studio, mostly to sleep there surrounded by the note of their music.

“Your song is awesome you know that, even Yoongi said so, it had been already approved and would be released tomorrow, why are you stressed ?”

The song was awesome, a lot different from Namjoon precious style, it hadn’t the RM signature on it, even Seokjin who wasn’t a singer could heard the difference, there was something different about it, something more personal that Seokjin couldn’t point yet, but yet again, Namjoon hadn’t makes him listen more than the first thirty second “because it’s supposed to be a surprise, consider it as a trailer.”

Yoongi had even said one afternoon when Seokjin had come to give them lunch with Sarang, that maybe, the song was a little too personal, Namjoon was too busy with his recording to may any mind to them.

And maybe the other producer was right, Seokjin had stopped looking into his ex-husband heart to preserve his own, he didn’t really know anymore what Namjoon was feeling anymore, at least not deep down, but maybe he had an idea.

“Because it’s special, this one is different from any other work.”

It was, Namjoon has so far always released an entire album, like RM and Mono, when he wanted to put just a song, he would put it on SoundCloud, but this time Namjoon had released a single, an only song taking an entire promotion, it was a first for the entire company.

“How it was different?” Seokjin asked, taking Sarang coat and bag before turning to Namjoon, when he saw the hesitation in the other eyes, he approached him, it wasn’t something he doesn’t see a lot in the other face, and Seokjin knew that maybe it was a little too early for what was supposed to happen.

He put his free hand on Namjoon shoulder, making him looks up at him.

“Your lyrics would be heard right ?”

“They will but …”

“They’re no but, don’t hesitate on something you know would touch your fans hearts, it’s your song, your words, your name, and before you interrupt me, it will reach the one you want it to hear.”

He saw Namjoon mouth closing before his eyes widen why his last words, he wait for the younger to say something, looking at him a long moment, emotion flickering on his face like an open book, when he heard the whispery broken voice, Seokjin thought that maybe it was too soon for those type of revelation.

“You knew… ?” Seokjin would have scoff if it wasn’t for his friend apparent distress.

“I know you Namjoon, I can see trough you, I know why you’re sad or happy, I understand every single of your lyrics and I know that this song is for that pers…”

He stopped seeing Namjoon tear up, he wanted to say more but maybe not now, sighing internally to his own impatience, he smile a little hand coming to the other eyes and wiping it with his sweater paw, a gesture that makes him remember their old relationship.

“Before you think of anything else, it wasn’t the reason of our divorce.”

He passed his hand in the other hair, seeing how Namjoon deflect against his chair letting Seokjin comfort him, they had a weird relation to other eyes, often Seokjin would had to hear people say that he should get back to his ex “because you still love hm, and you’re relation is still awesome” but people don’t understand that sometime heart was the one controlling everything, and Seokjin even if he was still deeply still in love with the person in front of him, was still too fragile to let his heart wander in daydream.

That was why he said he next words.

“The reason was much more than that but for now, understand that your song would be heard by the one you want it to be heard by, but mostly you will have to wait for him.”

“You…”

Seokjin doesn’t let him, putting a finger on his own lips to shush him when Sarang stir against his shoulder.

“Now, no more talking, get up, I’m too tired to drive and you seem awake enough, so we’re waiting in the car.” He doesn’t look up, knowing what expression he would see in the other face, and knowing himself he would blurt something more.

He was too weak for Namjoon, had always been, but it wasn’t time for any more revelation.

When he gets out of the studio, whispering a last “Don’t forget your keys.” he breathes deeply.

There was a lot more to be said, a lot more that needed to be said, but it wasn’t time, Namjoon was still caught years ago, still thinking about an action that Seokjin knew wasn’t the main problem.

He had always wanted for the younger to be a little more courageous, had observe him turn against himself, see the hesitation, the doubt, the guilt eating him alive.

Feelings that made Namjoon a little farer from his path.

But now… Now maybe, just maybe Namjoon had found it, the courage to face himself, he had finally found the force and power to face something, rather someone who was hunting him even in his deepest thought.

If Seokjin had ever think that his ex-husband just needed to face the subject of his own thought, he would have makes them see each other a lot earlier and spare them years of yearning.

But yet again, maybe everything had a time, like the clock tinkling slowly and waiting for his hour to come.

Or everything was destined, like written in the book of destiny during the first days of humanity and was just waiting for it to be achieved.

If not written in the sky, like little stars aligning in the cosmos waiting for the world to see them and makes a wish.

It was those little details, those little pieces of trivia that Seokjin saw in those two, that makes him believed it with his whole heart.

That maybe nothing was a coincidence.

Like Namjoon song.

Trivia : Love

∞


	3. Always Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like said before in the notes, this is not an update, I just put all the updated chapters in one.  
> The actual new update would be done tomorrow.

Having Namjoon in his life was like breathing.

A used to feeling without which you can’t live at all.

He was like a constant presence in his life, like a brother whose always there, who he would turn to in his saddest moment, but doesn’t have the constant feeling to call to, Namjoon was like that.

There, and always present, like the moon to his sun.

Until he wasn’t.

Taehyung remember when he had open his eyes to his empty room the next day of their graduation, his first thought was that Namjoon had probably went for a walk, it had happened to often before, moment of day where Namjoon would just want to walk around the city, eyes roaming the street, and heart filling with words he would wrote down later.

Namjoon words was like poetry, beautiful words that touch your heart like a wound piercing your chest, he knew how to use them, how to show the beauty of the words and how to describe his ugliness too.

And it was always beautiful.

“I’m your breath Taehyungie, you can’t leave without me, you need me in your life, I know it because I need you in mine too.”

And the younger had laugh, clinging to the older cheesiness but happy to be considered so important for him.

So he wasn’t worried about where Namjoon was, not even about when he would be back, he was just worried about when did he went.

Namjoon was a free spirit, in fact they were both free spirits, both following their feeling first and ignoring their reason when it comes to daily life.

Even knowing that Namjoon had double majored in music and psychology, and should in fact be the most reasonable and responsible one, he was not. Taehyung knew how the older could get lost in his own world, so much that he could forget where he was walking and possibly cause more damage than anything else.

That was why, them together was always a disaster for their friends, they often found themselves lost in Seoul following a cat or contemplating for hours a street art, Taehyung loved those moment when he was just with Namjoon, spending time with him and seeing the world to his best friend eyes

Often, he would try to spend time with him, search for an excuse just to take a walk with Namjoon after midnight in Seoul.

But sometimes Namjoon wanted to be alone, a time where he could think, minds off from everything, and just drifting to wherever he wanted, and Taehyung wouldn't to disturb him then, he liked to just sit next to the older, just give him company, sometimes he would love to see Namjoon eyes being lost somewhere in the world, like his soul was travelling somewhere else.

Namjoon alone was like a traveler, he would stop everywhere, see in details every street and leaf on the ground, would put word and poetry on everything he would see and sometimes would sit whenever he could to wrote down whatever was passing through his mind to not forget it.

Taehyung had found him in every corner of Seoul, seated somewhere writing and forgetting that he had to come back to the dorms.

That was why the younger had never trust him when it comes to the older own safety, he had seen him trip on own feet enough time to know Namjoon alone was a big NO, at least when it comes to come back home quickly.

But he wasn’t worried, Namjoon absence for long hour had happen enough time that Taehyung knew the older was safe. But when hours later, he tried to reach for Namjoon after dozens of unanswered messages and just to get to his voicemail, he felt that maybe something was in fact wrong.

During those walk, Taehyung was used to received pictures, of flowers, buildings, street art, sometimes shadow of people or building, like Namjoon was sending him his path trough picture, and Taehyung would always be eager to see them, it doesn’t happen often, but enough that everytime he knew he would received something, if not, Namjoon would always text him about where he went for Taehyung to join him later, so it was normal for the younger to think of the worst when he doesn’t received any answer.

Namjoon hadn’t send anything, hadn’t answer any text, there was just nothing.

After waiting hours, frowning and anxiety growing in him, he texts Jimin, asking if he could come by.

After graduation most of the student where packing to go home, he had to do it too, but at this moment it was the last of his worries.

Maybe it was because Taehyung was used to have Namjoon next to him all the time, like a reminder that he had someone constantly with him, and maybe that absence was starting to cloud his judgement, that was why he find himself to Jimin dorm not wanting to be alone when he was stressing completely, the shorter opening it in his pajama still half asleep, they hadn’t talk, Jimin just taking him by the hand and yanking him on the couch before lying down on him, cuddling closely, ignoring his roommate eyes who was sending him daggers in the back of his head.

Jimin doesn’t say a word, giving the younger space to talk when he would be ready. His arm curled around him and face in Taehyung shoulder, breathing calmly. Contrary to Namjoon, Jimin body was soft, warm and so comfortable, his hands were smaller, but he had a grip that makes the taller grounded, Jimin was Taehyung safe place, when he needed cuddle, Jimin was here. Namjoon doesn’t like to be touched, he would jump everytime Taehyung would try to hug him, the younger had grew up between hugs and cuddles, so Namjoon was an enigma to him, but it was also the reason why Jimin was his personal cuddler since freshman years, he had to cuddle him for two person.

In Jimin arm, he felt himself breathe a little easier again, mind starting to leave the cloudiness he had filled with earlier.

“Don’t worry, he’s okay, he will answer your phone soon, you know him, in a few minutes he would be home, asking himself where you are.”

And yeah, Namjoon was like that, Taehyung wanted to believe it that it was really what would happen.

But Namjoon never call back, never get home, never cross Taehyung path again, he never come back.

And Taehyung never knew why, never understand why, never had the chance to ask why, he didn’t even had an idea of why. Namjoon just disappeared, in thin air like he never existed in the first place.

It happened so quickly, one night his dorm still had the older clothes, the next a friend he doesn’t knew come to take some of Namjoon belonging because “he’s staying to mine”.

And Taehyung ask why, “What happened”, “Is he hurt ?”, “Did I do something?”

Which the stranger just answers with a sad look, look that Taehyung didn’t liked at all.

“Don’t worry, he’s just having a hard time, I can’t say anything, but it’s no one fault, he will come around just give him time.” And Taehyung had so many questions, so many things to say, to know, to understand, but nothing left his lips. Hands trembling behind his back, and wide eyes looking to the other filling a bag with Namjoon things, emptying slowly the room with Namjoon trace.

“I’m Hoseok, I’ll give you my number, you can text me whenever you want and don’t worry, okay, he’s just being an idiot, just... trust him. Okay ?”

Bullshit, he wanted to say, all he wanted was to find Namjoon and just slap him once for making him worry so much, he just wanted to see him, to hug him, to make sure he was really okay, to see him with his own eyes.

So he just nod to the stranger, who smile, tapping his shoulder and leaving with a bag full of Namjoon memories.

Which never come back.

Namjoon never show up, even when he knew by Hoseok he was okay, he was living his life, Namjoon never come back.

With time, Hoseok started to avoid topic of their friend, like he doesn’t have answers too. And Taehyung, even if his heart was hurting from the silence, never ask again.

At some point he thought that maybe he had done something, that maybe during the graduation night, he had said of done something, something big enough that had makes Namjoon hate him.

But in any case, Taehyung doesn’t have answers, all was left, was empty heart, and bittersweet memories.

Jimin had been there, always, had seen every parcel of Taehyung broke down, had wipe his tears and hold him at night when all the younger could do was cry.

“What did I do, Jimin I don’t understand…”

No one had any answers.

Taehyung passed most of his time to Jimin’s dorm, in his bed after that, not wanting to go to his own and feel Namjoon absence around him.

But Jimin wasn’t Namjoon, he could never be.

∞

  
There was a saying that time always heals the worst pain and wounds, and Taehyung had put his hope on it.

He had let it do his job, had let days, weeks, months and even years to heal him little by little, had let his memories slowly fading in the back of his mind. It had works at some point, with hiw little he would think about Namjoon he had think that maybe his beading heart was finally whole enough that he could trust again, he really had thought that he was doing good enough that he could finally breath.

And he had started to focus on his life, think about his future, create hope and dream and even laugh to small things.

Until Namjoon appeared in his life again.

Never in his life he had thought he would break down again, and so quickly, like hat he had build in years was just a card castle, simply destroyed with a blow.

Maybe it was his fault after all.

If he hadn’t accept to work for Seokjin, he won’t be dealing with an open chest again, but at that time, months ago, he never thought about the consequence, never thought that seeing Namjoon after years of being good with himself, he would makes his poor heart cry again.

When he had accept the job knowing he was working with Namjoon husband, he had thought that it was his chance to finally smile to his past, to finally felt complete with himself, to finally face his ghost and just move on like the older one did, but he was so wrong, so so wrong.

The moment he opened the door to Seokjin home after taking a deep breath and painting a profession smile, he had learned with years of dealing with his agency, all he could see was Namjoon.

He knew the older was coming he had prepared specifically his favorite food, has seasoned everything to Namjoon taste, trying not to dwell on how much he was still remembering everything.

In all those years, he had think many time of meeting him, of a moment where he would see Namjoon again, a small encounter, on the street, a party, even to Seokjin home, but in those imaginary meeting, he would see a smiling Namjoon, just enough to makes Taehyung happy, a smile that would makes him forgot everything, shy, polite or even restraint, he didn’t care, but a smile nonetheless.

He doesn’t care for an explication at this point, he was to desperate and empty to hope for a entire discussion, but he had wanted at least some attention, something that show him Namjoon had at least cared for him.

But when he meets Namjoon eyes, all he saw was an impassive expression

The older doesn’t show him any emotion, not a smile, nothing other than eyes boring into him, and Taehyung had been heartbroken.

As much as he loved movies with a happy ending, his life wasn’t. He had grew up knowing he wasn’t special, growing, he knew he won’t have an amazing love story and won’t makes amazing thing in his life like being an idol or saving his country, the last years had confirm that all he wanted was a peaceful life with small kids running everywhere in a small house in the suburb of Seoul, but seeing Namjoon… it was like putting salt in and open wound.

Like he wasn’t even allowed to live a peaceful life.

There was nothing on Namjoon face, not even regret, and maybe it was what was hurting him the most, the fact that Taehyung was nothing for him, nothing enough that he doesn’t even seems to remember him.

Or maybe he did but didn’t care. And Taehyung didn’t know what was worst.

For the first time since working as Sarang babysitter, he was feeling how much it was a mistake to have accepted the job, it was like he had wake up a long forgotten pain, like he had played with fire had had burned himself by waking up the monster sleeping in his head.

He had done it to himself so he shouldn’t be hurting, and certainly not complained when he was the one to hurt himself by accepting Seokjin job when he knew he would meet Namjoon one day, but to say the truth, he wasn’t regretting it either.

Sarang was worth it, even if he passed his time to not think about his other father that was now in the same room as him after years, he had loved the last months with the little girl.

But like bad day would always overcome the good one when a human couldn’t take it anymore, the moment he saw Namjoon again makes him forgot everything about the last six months in a heartbeat.

He had tried not to show it, listening to Sarang while continuing to work for dinner, and ignoring the fact that Namjoon had locked himself in Seokjin room the moment he had enter. He tried to smile to Seokjin when he come back, asking the little girl about his weeks and scoot a peaceful expression.

He tried to ignore everything, tried to hold his heart in his ribcage, stopping him from falling on the floor like a death leaf.

But when Namjoon left, after saying empty words that Taehyung knew was said because of Seokjin, closing the door behind him like nothing happened, exactly like he had left years ago, Taehyung brock down. Turning away from the stove that he switches off quickly not wanting Seokjin or Sarang see him in this stage and run to the bathroom closing the door behind him.

He cursed his poor heart for being so weak while letting the tears fall down on his cheeks, because it was the first time he had cried after so long, and ironically it was again because of the same person.

∞

Later when he comes home he doesn’t say anything to Jimin, but the older knew enough about Taehyung to understand what had happened, he was vocal enough about it for Jimin to hug him immediately, cuddling on their couch with the TV as a background sound.

Strangely the moment felt a lot like years ago, when Namjoon had left, the only difference was that this time he was back.

They don’t talk about it, not now and not in the next days, and Jimin don’t force him either which Taehyung was grateful for.

All he did in the next weeks was to go to his job and take care of Sarang, he didn’t need to look at Namjoon, didn’t need to great him, all he need to do was to be civil and that, he could be.

That’s why the next weeks passed quickly without him seeing Namjoon who was avoiding him too, and that makes him feel worse but at least he knew where they stand.

His routine with Sarang continue, without any difference except she would talk about his other father a lot forcing him to think about him, making it harder to not think about him.

So much, that he would pass time in Jimin’s a lot more than before like he was back to his old self when everything started, not even caring anymore about his two best friend being all over each other in front of him.

“I’m fine Minnie, just tired.” He said everytime the older tried to ask something, but they all knew it wasn’t true.

 _It doesn’t matter,_ he said to himself, repeating it like an incantation in his head, that in the end, even if he doesn’t have a proper answer, he had one by his silence so he will keep quiet and ignore him too.

Months passed like that, when a new song come out of nowhere, without warning, promotion or even announcement, it was a first for Namjoon, dropping just a lyrics video, something completely different from everything before but something that Taehyung couldn’t stop listening.

Even now, sitting in Jimin dance studio, back against one of the mirror, with his eyes closed and his phone playing _Trivia: Love_ , filling his ear with Namjoon words, voice and lyrics, he felt tears gathering behind his eyelids.

Before flowing down like everytime he would listen to his new song, letting Jimin whipped them with a playful smile.

“Oh my big baby, it’s just a song.” His smile wasn’t Namjoon’s, his hands wasn’t Namjoon’s, he wasn’t even close to him, and that knowledge would hurt more everytime.

The lyrics weren’t something he was used to listen from the artist, Namjoon never wrote a song about Love, and never about his own feelings and relation.

Something felt different in the song, not the lyrics, not the style, more like the soul of it, like a new beginning.

Something that felt blunter, more direct, more like Namjoon himself maybe because the song was signed as Kim Namjoon and not RM.

He listened to it no stop, to the point Jimin sigh in Jungkook arm later, when they were back to the couple apartment, standing up before taking his phone from him and making the owner whine loudly.

“You’re listening to it too much, Tae.” He wanted to retorque that It wasn’t even close to how much he had listened to his others songs, but Jimin was right. Even if he wanted to say otherwise and it must show on his face because his best friend continues, expression a little harder.

“Wasn’t you supposed to have move on ? Stop this childish behavior, Tae, your hurting yourself !”

“It’s just a song…” He mumbles not meeting anyone eyes, ashamed that his behavior had makes Jimin so angry.

“But you don’t do anything else than to listen to that, you’re filling yourself with his voice and words, you’re not even trying to stop yourself from hurting.”

Was it true ? Was he really doing that ?

“But it’s different this time…” he tried “Trivia isn’t about Seokjin anymore, I can feel it, Seokjin said they divorced because they fall out of love, but Namjoon every song is about him, he always wrote about Seokjin, but not this one, Trivia is different, do you think he find someone?” He asks suddenly, too deep in his thought to see Jimin close his eyes to calm down before looking at them with eyes he didn’t like.

It was a gaze, he would throw when soothing wasn’t right, and Taehyung would have never thought the gaze would be turn to him one day.

“Even if it’s the case, what does that change for you? At the end of the day he won’t comeback.”

The words were harsh, maybe a little too much considering that Jungkook step up and stop him from continuing, and it hurt a lot, bringing tears back in Taehyung eyes that he try not to show and failing miserably when they fall in his hands.

But Jimin was right, he was always right.

“I’m sorry.” He whisper, in the end of the day, he knew that no matter what, no matter what he say or do, things won’t change between him and Namjoon, that in the end, he was the only one blocked in the same room after their graduation years ago, still waiting for Namjoon to comeback.

And maybe he needed those words from his best friends to wake up.

It takes a second before he feel Jimin hugging him tightly, whispering “I’m sorry.” in his hair again and again, but the older was right, Taehyung doesn’t blame him at all, he needed to stop this, he needed to stop hurting himself by clinging to a hope that wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place.

He needed to turn the page. He shouldn’t and doesn’t need to say goodbye like Namjoon already did.

A few days later, when he’s to Seokjin’s with Sarang napping next to him, clinging to him like a lifeline like his appa, he can’t help himself but think who will replace him if he leaves.

He wanted to cry, even if knowing who was Sarang appa, even if Namjoon seams to hate him and ignore his existence, he was happy. Happy to be a nonexistent part of Namjoon life, but mostly he was happy to have Sarang in his.

Taehyung was a person to attach himself until the end, his friends, family was something important for him, there wasn’t a way out from him when it comes to that, that’s why he was always careful to who he wanted to be friend with, but now, since Namjoon had left, Taehyung hadn’t let anyone in until Sarang and he wasn’t prepared to say goodbye, wasn’t prepared to be left out again, doesn’t even wanted too…

Sarang had help him a lot, knowing that Namjoon had turn the page, she had help him even before their meeting about loving someone again without even meaning to.

She was a perfect little girl that he would miss a lot, but it was enough knowing that at least she loved him too and would grow in an amazing person.

Kissing her forehead, he lied down next to her, eyes not leaving her angelic face, because soon he won’t be there anymore, and he wanted to pass her time with her as much as possible.

∞

  
He’s getting ready to go to Seokjin’s, it’s early, too early, but lately sleep doesn’t come, the song is stuck in his head constantly keeping him awake all night and sometimes making cry silently.

His overdoing it, he knows, but it’s like he can control himself anymore. Last night he watch Namjoon interview about his new single, how he had expressed it with being himself, the real person and not the artist, just him as a person, a song he did dedicate to someone whose name he didn’t say and Taehyung shouldn’t be surprised, and certainly not overthinking it, but he couldn’t help it.

He had been RM fans even knowing who he was, he could hate Kim Namjoon as a person, but he loved RM with his whole heart and had listen to all his discography, he knew who he was as an artist, knew what he wanted to show to the world and support him, but this song, Trivia : Love, it was like a turning point.

A new beginning that didn’t sit well with him, not when Seokjin was still in love with his ex-husband and Sarang was between them.

They were adults, and Taehyung was just a stranger with all of this, but the song was hitting his soul…

And those thought was exactly why he was doing what he was going to do.

The resignation letter is burning inside his pocket, weighting so much that walking to Seokjin’s is like walking on a mountain.

It’s raining outside, small droplet falling and damping him slowly, reflecting his heart slowly dying the more he’s approaching the older apartment.

The ways there is supposed to be short, just a 20-minute walk that Taehyung had always loved to do, but today it’s like everything is too much

Midway, he stops when he meets his own gaze on the reflection of some coffee shop, he looks sad, sad and lost. It not really the way he wanted to appear in front of Seokjin, but he doesn’t really care, he doesn’t even want to do this in the first place, but Jimin was right, he need to wake up and stop his own heart from hurting more.

When Seokjin building appears, he breath deeply, trying to control his heart from crying and put a small smile on his face, enough to appear a little less out of place.

The wait after knocking is too long, all he want is to give him the letter and just be over with it, he didn’t want to see Sarang and cry his heart out, and neither want to be under Seokjin piercing gaze. _The quickest, the better_ , he tell himself.

But when the door opens it’s like half of his determination had evaporate, he could feel his eyes, looking widely to meet the older curious one, could feel his lips refusing to smile.

And he didn’t want that, he didn’t want to leave a last sad impression.

The older is already ready to start the day, cloths on, hair back and small touch of make up on his face.

When he had started to work, Taehyung had always wanted to see him without anything on his face just to be the only one in this world to have seen him truly but in the end Seokjin was never not ready, even without makeup his skin would glow and his plump lips would be always rosy

Something that Taehyung had always be jealous of, but for once, he would miss this, the privilege to see Seokjin half asleep.

“I’m sorry to come so early.” He whispers, entering after putting his damp shoes and coat off.

“It’s okay but didn’t you say you won’t come this week ?”

He did, but mostly to let him search for someone else, it was a coward move from his part to leave him midway without any warning, especially when the older was preparing for a new contract, but he knew that if he would have hesitate just one more day Taehyung would have back down and continue this job, hurting again and again in the process.

“I did but… I needed to give you this.”

He take the letter out of his jeans, white with written in black ink “resignation” and put it on the dining table, they were still standing up, Seokjin behind the counter preparing breakfast, Sarang must be still sleeping and Taehyung was glad because the tears that gather wasn’t something he wanted her to see.

When the older come closer, eyes never leaving the letter, Taehyung avoid his gaze by looking down, blinking is eyes just to chase the unwanted tears.

“I’m sorry to say it just now, you won’t have enough time to search for someone else, but...”

“That’s not the problem.” cut the elder, coming closer and taking the letter in his hands, slowly like it was really burning and even Seokjin was afraid to touch it.

“Why are you crying if you are quieting yourself?”

And Taehyung didn’t answer, he couldn’t just say that it was because of his ex-husband hunting his mind days and nights, and certainly not that Taehyung was just too weak to say goodbye like an adult and needed to create a distance for himself, so he stay quiet, eyes not meeting his.

“You can talk to me Taehyung, did something happen?” If only he knew, there was too much to talk about, but he can’t, not with Seokjin so he just shakes his head dumbly.

“I can’t say anything hyung, I’m sorry”

Seokjin doesn’t say anything, instead, he put his hand on the younger shoulder, making him look up and cross the older piercing eyes who could see everything.

They look at each other a long moment, where Taehyung was trying not to think about anything, but he must have failed because something in Seokjin face passed, something that the older wanted to say but didn’t in the end.

“If everything is okay, I don’t understand why you’re leaving. I mean I can’t stop you, you can leave whenever you want but... I was thinking to keep you and maybe ask you to move in as a full time… Sarang loves you too and you seem happy too, I just don’t understand…”

And it seems to be the wrong things to say because Taehyung started sobbing, Seokjin panic immediately, taking him in his arm.

It was awkward, Taehyung never cried like this in front of anyone other than Jimin or his boyfriend, but lately it was like there was just too much tears in him, too much sadness, too much in him that he couldn’t contain anymore.

They don’t talk, Taehyung trying to calm down, ashamed of his attitude especially in front of Seokjin, but the older just calm him down, whispering comforting words and hand rubbing his back.

“It’s alright, everything would be alright.”

When he calms down enough that he wasn’t bawling his eyes out, he doesn’t look up, moving away with his head down, hair falling on his eyes to keep them hidden.

And excuse himself in a small voice before going to the door to put his shoes on.

“You know Taehyung, sometime your problem could be solved just by talking to the person involved, you don’t have to talk to me, but maybe you should open directly to the one who hurt you.”

“I’m no hurt” he mumbled, voice quiet and still watery.

“Of course, you’re not, I was just saying, it’s important to let go sometimes.”

They don’t say anything else, Taehyung standing up and taking his coat from his hanger before turning to him when the older approached with a smile.

“Just don’t forgot to come sometime, my door is always open for you.”

He nod, looking at him a last time, before bowing lowly and turning away.

To the way out, he couldn’t help but let a few more tears fall, not because he was sad but because he was frustrated.

Because no matter what, he couldn’t talk to Namjoon, it was like a death end, but it didn’t matter now, he would do anything to never cross the older path ever again, he had to think of himself now.

And make sure to never break down ever again either at the mere mention or memory of the one who he had once carried in his heart.

Because if Namjoon had the possibility to forget him completely and meet new people and just continue his life, Taehyung should too and he will forget him.

He will make sure of it.

∞

  
He doesn’t forget him, all he did since being home was sulking on his friends couch to Jimin despair.

Taehyung knew them enough to know that it was mostly because they couldn’t have sex freely in every surface of the apartment with him inside, and for once he didn’t care to be a cockblocker between them. He was too sad to think about his friends needs.

The duo had been roommates since university, Taehyung remember how Jungkook hated him with a passion just because he could cuddle Jimin in front his eyes freely.

In the beginning, none of the two best friends knew why the older roommate would constantly have a cold attitude toward Taehyung, until he saw Jungkook blushing when Jimin would be too close to him.

It was apparently a small crush, but big enough to be jealous whenever Taehyung was around. It had been chaotic between them, so much that Taehyung had to blurt out in the middle of a fight that if Jungkook was acting like an asshole was just because he liked Jimin.

He didn’t saved their couple, because to Jimin words “I already knew it, I wanted him to say it himself.” but for Taehyung, the younger would have been quiet all his life and never said anything because of his shyness.

They never left each other since then, kissing whenever they would be close enough, and just clinging to each other to any occasion.

It was good to see them like that, all lovey dovey with heart eyes that could be cute if not sickening, especially when Taehyung just wanted his best friend to cuddle, even if the said best friend would try to return in his boyfriend arm every time Taehyung would start to talk about anything related to Namjoon.

He shouldn’t be this sad, he had made the decision to let go himself, but it was hard to drop everything at once, worst when all he had in mind was Namjoon song, his name, his face or even his daughter.

He missed Sarang.

He missed her a lot, she used to fill his days and nights, he didn’t have just work for Seokjin, he had made a friend there, a small bean that he just loved dearly.

Taehyung had always loved kids and was planning to have 5 when he will marry, but Sarang had already steal his heart.

He would pass his day looking at her pictures that he loved to take whenever he had the occasion and send to Seokjin who loved to collect them, something he couldn’t do anymore.

“Tae, stop acting like it’s your own daughter.”

“She is, she’s my first born.” he had answers, not leaving their couch, pouting and growing to the celling, completely lost in his own head. They had tried to make him go home, to at least takes some fresh air, but he hadn’t moved in the end, not at all.

It wasn’t his fault, he would fall in love too quickly and couldn’t let go of any person that settled in his heart.

Sarang was a lot like his father in that aspect, she had taken his love and had enveloped herself in Taehyung heart without him noticing, and like Namjoon, he will have to to forget her too.

Broke his own heart by the same Kim’s.

At some point, sulking and thinking, he decided to go back to Daegu, he was unemployed now, at least until his agency gives him another child to take care of, and seeing his family would always makes him feel better.

But especially because Jimin seems to be on the edge of punching him from frustration and to say the truth he still needed to stay on his best friend good side.

So he stand up, not caring to say goodbye because in the end, he was doing them a favor, he tried not to think of the empty and cold apartment that was awaiting him.

His place had been his safe place before, but after starting to work to Seokjin and passing all his days and nights there with a lively kid, his apartment had become too silent and lonely.

He had called the little girl latter, explaining how he couldn’t come every day now, how someone else will take care of her, she hadn’t understand at first, asking if he will come back soon which Taehyung had dumbly say yes, not wanting to break her heart.

And maybe it was a bad idea now.

Because he doesn’t think he could come back see her and not just stay by her side forever.

Sighing loudly, he reached his apartment, a small place in the middle of Seoul, hidden between streets and buildings, it wasn’t a lot, but it had been the first place he had since he left university, a place he loved before, but now, preparing his bag with everything he needed, he wanted to leave it quickly.

It was too empty, too quiet, like no one was leaving here. So he put on the radio just to filled the walls from any noise, and maybe filled his heart too.

Which doesn’t work.

∞

  
Daegu was where Taehyung had leaved his entire life. Between his grandparent’s farm and field full of strawberries, he loved it and had never thought to ever left it.

Going to Seoul for University was just a last moment decision, his grandparents wanting him to see the world, to experience what was a student life and maybe found the person who will share his entire life with.

“There no one here Taehyung, how would you find love if you don’t leave the farm.”

He never planned to leave Daegu, less to go so far for so long, he had never left his hometown, and the prospect to see a new city wasn’t really something that he was keen of.

He was country boy, with a thick accent that he was proud of. and Seoul was like another world.

But in the other hands, he was curious to see what was so amazing about the city that makes everyone turn there like bee to their flower. He had also always listened to the elders and would always do whatever they ask him to, his grandparent’s had seen more of life than him, that’s why he trusted completely their judgment, and why he let himself be tempted to travel all the way to Seoul

“Just for a year, halmeoni, I’ll come back after.”

He didn’t really come back entirely, traveling back and forth between Seoul and Daegu at every occasion, and missing his other home whenever he would take the road to visit the other.

Seoul had been different to what he had thought, getting used to the city was hard, trying to speak like them, trying to learn their code, their fashion, their way of life, it was so hard that he just wanted to come back home crying, but every time he will listen to his family, calling them late night, his voice won’t betray him, always cheerful, laughing and telling half-truth about the beauty of Seoul, saying that everything was okay when it was not.

He was missing home, missing his siblings, missing his bed and food of his halmeoni, he was missing home, so much that he try to busy himself to not depressed, a week before the start of class, he had taken a small job in a coffee shop because Seoul was more expensive than Daegu, everything seems to be made of gold when he could find it cheaper in his hometown.

The only advantage was that people find him attractive, his manager had hired him the moment he had step in because “your face would bring customers and don’t try to lose your accent, it’s your charm.”

He doesn’t liked Seoul, but the city seems to like him.

That’s where he meets Namjoon for the first time, he would come often in there, with books scattered around, alone and working with his jaw set.

He was a tall person, with long limp that half of the time wouldn’t be to the owner control, letting fall or break everything in their way. Taehyung himself had to clean his broken cup or glasses many times

One time he spills his drink on his open computer, whining and talking to the screen to not shut down, it had been cute if not weird.

Taehyung never talk to him, he was just a barman, still learning how to make half of the drinks, and the clumsy boy seems a regular, the other barman whose name Taehyung can’t set in mind, always knew which drink to make him even before the clumsy man had to talk.

He didn’t know his name yet, but he had a pretty smile, with dimple and soft eyes.

And Taehyung was curious, so much that he would try to peek for his name written on his cup every time seceding after the third attempt after the clumsy boy, Namjoon was his name, turned the ink covered surface toward him with a smile that makes Taehyung blush violently.

But Taehyung was awkward, still learning Seoul life and trying to make a proper conversation with anyone, that’s why he never talks to him.

It was weeks later when classes started, finding his way to his new dorm that he sees him again.

This time there was no counter between them, not anything for that matter, they were in the same room, just two students that would share the same dorm for the year.

His heart had fluttered knowing that the boy he had a small crush on would stay so close to him.

That’s how their friendship started.

Namjoon was a year older, understanding, attentive, talkative, he like to discuss about everything, was curious and loved the world. someone Taehyung had fall hard and fast in just a few weeks of sharing his life with him.

In the beginning, they weren’t close, awkward and ignoring each other for the most part, Taehyung because he didn’t know how to be friend with someone so amazing, and Namjoon because he was to shy, the glass broke when the younger started to bring him his favorite drink in the dorms after work and Namjoon would smile so wide that Taehyung would blush immediately at the sight.

It wasn’t Namjoon first smile toward him and not the last, but unfortunate he remembered his last like it was yesterday.

The last was in graduation day, the two of them side by side, taking picture with families around, arm in each other shoulder, laughing so hard and heart filling with never ending happiness, Taehyung remember back then how Namjoon was happy, how his eyes would shine so bright and get lost in the depth of his own.

After that day, Namjoon didn’t laugh so freely, didn’t smile with his whole heart, he wasn’t happy.

Taehyung know it by Seokjin, who would worry whenever Namjoon won’t answer his phone call. By Namjoon lyrics, full of melancholic and never-ending pain. By Sarang, pouting whenever his appa couldn’t be home on time.

Namjoon wasn’t like before, now his laugh was more restraint, like the adult in him had taken over, like now he wasn’t allowing himself to be happy. The Namjoon of now wasn’t the Namjoon Taehyung had known in University, and he learned it the hard way.

The moment his eyes had fallen on Namjoon after years in Soekjin home, he knew something had broken.

Namjoon had changed, somewhere between leaving him and meeting Seokjin, Namjoon had changed and not for the best

He had heard how RM the artist had come to life, how he had climb the step of success and Taehyung was proud of him, following him to his every step in the shadow, listening to every of his songs, singing his lyrics and trying to feel the depth of them just to understand the person Namjoon had become.

And it was someone Taehyung couldn’t just say goodbye easily.

Because Namjoon was the person that makes him stay to Seoul, that makes him grow up on this adult, that makes him discover the world, but also himself.

Namjoon was the one to bring Taehyung everything he needed to be a better human.

“Halmeoni, I found someone in uni, he’s amazing! He write the best song, I think he would be the best song writer soon ! You will see, one day his songs would be heard everywhere !!”

His halmeoni had laugh asking to bring him home sometime, something that never happened.

Contrary to what it seems, Namjoon had been Taehyung anchor, the one to bring him out of his shell, to have trust in him.

That’s why when he come back to Daegu after months, this time with a new memory of Namjoon after years of absence, he realized how even his childhood room is filled with Namjoon, how with years, his life had turned around him, to his voice, music, presence and pictures.

How Namjoon was his shadow.

Later that night, when he can’t sleep, he abandoned his bed to find his halmeoni. She was the only person that now how to makes his heart calm down, even when he would stay silent about his problems.

He found her like always seated by the pond, a shawl on her shoulder and eyes lost in the water. She had this habit to come here after midnight often, a moment when Taehyung loves to share when he was a kid, lying down on her tigh and letting her path his hair.

Contrary to before, he joined her in her thought, staying quiet and observing the water, it’s calm, the night is dark, hiding the ugliness of the woods behind the fences.

They don’t talk, and the silence makes him fall in the sadness of his own mind, despite his own promise to not think about that side of his life.

“What is it Tae, what is happening in this pretty head of yours.” His halmeoni asked, voice so soft that it broke the younger resolution to ignore his thought.

He talk, not much, he can’t describe with words everything there is inside him, it would take hours maybe days for him to blur out everything his heart had locked inside, so he just ask what he needed to know.

“Why is it hard to say goodbye halmeoni, like a Farwell why is it hard when the person hurt you?”

She didn’t answer right away, face hidden under the shadow of the moonlight, but he can feel her thought, heavy and full of thing he doesn’t understand yet.

There was small smile on her face, not happy, not sad, a smile that was not really there, like remembering something in the depth of her own memory.

“It’s not hard, it’s a way for your soul to say that you don’t want a goodbye yet, goodbye are meant to be the end of a story, question asked answered given, a goodbye… it’s when there is nothing else to be said between two people.”

And Taehyung blink, heart beating wildly because her answer is like she knows everything. He thinks about it, eyes not meeting hers that he feels in the side of his face.

It the end, even if she’s right, he can’t step back from his decision, it had been hard enough to decide to turn the page.

“Are you afraid to get hurt?” he was, so much, but he doesn’t answer, he doesn’t need to, she seems to read him like an open book, so he didn’t need to answer that he didn’t want to cry anymore, that all he wanted was the peace of mind, even if it would be empty one.

“You know get hurt is part of life, human is a beautiful creature, he could get hurt every time and would heal each time. It’s like a circle, to be happy, you have to be sad too, you can’t ask for one without having the others. If there’s bad days, there would be better days too”

“But I’m tired to get hurt halmeoni, it’s… he hates me… he doesn’t want to talk to me, I don’t know why...” He starts crying, he shouldn’t be able after how much tear had fallen in Seoul, but here he is. It was the first time since year that he had let himself be vulnerable in front her, ugly tears making falling down and letting her loos at his broken heart.

“Is it Namjoon, the boy you loved?”

It wasn’t the first time she would say that, he had corrected her often to know that it was pointless, but habit broke hard.

“I don’t love him, he was my best friend…” he mumbles, letting her wipe his tears after making him lie down on her thigh.

She doesn’t answer right away, letting her hands passed through the younger her, waiting for him to calm down enough before speaking.

“He will listen to you Tae, you just need the courage to face him, he won’t turn you down, he will listen, some people just need a reassurance that they are still loved, maybe he just need you to talk.”

“But he was the one to leave me.”

“So ? he’s a human too, he had a heart too, leaving may be not his choice, maybe he’s just waiting a sign from you that you don’t hate him.”

It doesn’t make sense in Taehyung mind, but he knew that his halmeoni is never wrong except for one think.

“Think about it the other way, you leave him for a reason you’re the only one to know without telling him anything, won’t you be afraid that he hate you ? Won’t run away again and again afraid to face him, ashamed or sad ?”

She was right, he knows she was, that’s why it was harder to accept the reality. He closed his eyes, letting his face under the moonlight, he didn’t want to think about it anymore, even if he knew that in the morning he would have to takes a decision and thought about everything with a cold mind, and maybe found the courage in him once he was in Seoul, but for now he just needed her halmeoni presence.

When he started to drift, he heard her whisper.

“It depends on you Tae.”

∞

  
The time he passes in Daegu is filled with thought full of a certain person with a dimple smile.

He doesn’t feel guilty to succumb to the temptation to think about him, rather he let himself get lost in his own memories, let himself filled with them and maybe found the courage to take a step forward.

He doesn’t rest at all, passing his days between field and meadow, trying to empty his head from sad thought, staying awake all nights with eyes lost in the dark sky.

Sometimes seating next to his halmeoni, silence and listening to the woods and it helped.

After days thinking about Namjoon, about their friendship, about the past and the present, about what he had missed in life by stopping moving forward, it helped him found the courage to take a decision.

It’s not the worst day since years like it should be, he did feel like the Taehyung of years ago waiting for Namjoon to be back, not able to sleep at night and squirming in his sheet hoping to have a respond from him.

But strangely this time, now that his best friend is closer than before, Taehyung don’t know if he should take that step, there a lot of none spoken things between them, of unclosed matter, and open wound that should have been closed a lifetime ago.

It’s like his wish come true, his best friend come back, he’s here in front of him but this time Taehyung don’t know what to say, what to apologize for, what to hope for.

He’s lost.

Lost in his memories, in his head, in the himself of years ago, he want to be the Taehyung of before, happy to just have him back, content and just enough to have him close again, but the Taehyung of now isn’t allowing himself to do that, to just turn the page without at least emptying his heart to Namjoon.

He deserves at least that.

The answer is simple.

Choosing between talking to him or not, but the consequence, the before and after, the way, the why, the how are too many and too far in between.

To be honest he want to hate Namjoon, to despise him with how much he hurt him, to hate him so much that just looking at his face or hearing his name makes his inside boil, but even if Taehyung had try to, even if he wanted to, he never did.

He was just a human too in the end, his halmeoni could think that maybe Namjoon was waiting for him to take the first step, but in the end, Taehyung was a human too.

As weak as Namjoon, waiting for something from the older to approach him.

Is it was true for the older, they were both a lost cause, and someone needed to take the first step.

Maybe it’s why he tries to self-encourage himself.

As much as Taehyung was weak, he needed his closer as much, he needed his inner peace again by telling the older what needed to be said.

He’s not wrong, just by emptying his heart in front of Namjoon would be enough for him to feel better, just a moment to confront Namjoon, a moment where he would be entirely open, where he would consider the older as his best friend again and would told him everything he wanted to say for so long.

Now the question was, how. Did Namjoon even wanted to hear him ? The older hadn’t be able to stay in the same room as him since their first meeting.

He thinks about it a lot, frowning to his own reflection in the pond and trying to think to anything to face the older, but in the end, there is just one person that could help him.

That’s why he come back in Seoul earlier than planned, nervously biting his nail on the train back and eyes lost outside of the window.

He didn’t plan anything, hadn’t thought of the how, where and when. But that person could have his answers, who knew Namjoon better after passing the last years with Namjoon.

Seokjin open his door a little surprised, a smile taking over his face instantly and hugging him like a lost friend.

“I thought you never wanted to see us again, where did you disappeared ?” the younger felt guilty to haven’t contact Seokjin again after last time, but he was still ashamed for quitting to quickly.

“I’m sorry, I come back from Daegu, I needed some family time”

The older just nod, eyes looking at him with the same friendliness before gesturing him inside.

Taehyung eyes immediately try to search for Sarang, hopeful to find her but Seokjin stopped him.

“She’s with Namjoon, we didn’t find a babysitter as good as you yet.” it makes him blush, something that won’t happen a lot and it seems to be the first time for the older see him like that, laughing openly.

The last time they talked was when he had dropped his letter, he’s still ashamed of it, how he left , how he cried in front of the older, but Seokjin still say his name with the same fervor, smiling and welcoming with open arms.

That’s why in a moment of braveness he ask, hesitant, biting the inside of his cheeks, knowing himself he would chicken out the moment any hesitation would sip through him, so he ask not waiting a second.

“I want to meet Namjoon sshi” There is a silence, a long one, where Seokjin looks at him openly, eyes baring him and making Taehyung regret to have open his mouth.

He feels like he had overstep their boundaries, Namjoon is still Seokjin ex husband and so far the older didn’t know who Namjoon was for Taehyung.

But there is something in Seokjin eyes, a glint that makes him cower in himself.

“I mean…”

“You want his studio address ? he’s never home…” he interrupt him, eyes not leaving his.

“Hum... Y... Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Good, I’ll write it down, take a drink or something I’ll be back.” he disappears in his room, searching for something to write on, leaving Taehyung worrying his lips with his heart beating on his throat.

He tries to rearrange is thought, try to think straight and breath deeply to give his heart a little break but Seokjin come back too quickly giving him a small paper with his handwriting on.

An amused smile on his face like knowing what Taehyung was trying to do.

“Won’t you ask me why ?” he ask uneasily, feeling something unsaid between them but Seokjin smile don’t falter, rather it make the younger feel better.

“I don’t need to, but in case you’re wondering, I already know why you need it, but it’s not a discussion for today.”

He turns Taehyung around by his shoulder, grinning ear to ear when Taehyung looks up at him lost and wide eyes that make the older grin wider if possible.

“You know Namjoon better than me, don’t think it changed at all in those years.”

And Taehyung had a lot of questions, eyes wide looking at Seokjin who stop him from talking when he opens his mouth, pushing him trough the door after slipping his own car key in his hands.

“Just in case, he will run away.”

For once Taehyung didn’t care, because now, contrary to before, he will chase Namjoon until he bares his heart in front of him.

Because now, it would be a farewell, a real one.

∞

  
Namjoon did run away.

When he comes to the building, heart beating too fast, he stopped in front of it to pep talk himself with his eyes closed and hand on his heart to feel him.

He had never been this nervous in his life, breathing deeply and just trying to calm himself.

“Tae you can do that, he won’t eat you, it’s just Joonie, just Joonie, everything is fine.”

When he decide that his heart won’t stop his race, he takes a deep breath, encouraging himself before taking a step inside, his hands had started to tremble and he probably looked as livid as the carpet in the corner, but he couldn’t back down now.

Seokjin had given him his own entry card to the building, indicating on the small paper the floor and way with is neat handwriting.

The place was huge, with two lift for odd and even numbers, everything was made of glass and mirror like any new modern architectures, and it was a little intimating. His eyes were looking everywhere, wide and curious, but he stayed on his way trying not to get lost, because the place seems a lot like a maze.

The floor he needed to be was filled with studios, he recognized some of them, their names written outside, heart beating to be in such amazing place, when he stopped in the studio next to Krive, that supposed to be Namjoon’s, he takes a deep breath before ringing the bell.

Seokjin had written the Genius Lab on his paper, and Taehyung know who it belongs to, but he don’t understand why the older had indicate this one on his notes, at least not until the door opened and a small body hit his own.

“Tae Tae! Tae Tae!” he forgot all his nervousness, a grin taking over his face when he recognized Sarang. The little girl was clinging to him like a lifeline, face rubbing against his stomach cutely that makes him laugh in delight. He doesn’t wait to take her in his arm, holding her close to his chest and kissing her cheeks and head continuously.

“I miss my Sarangi sooo much! Tae Tae miss you so so much!!”

“I miss you too !! So so much !! More than Yeontan” and that was something, because she loved the little dog too much, he doesn’t separate from her, letting her hold him and whispering secret that he laugh at, he was feeling all his pent up stress and anxiety slipping from his body with her warmness, he had missed her so much, trying not to think about her at all when all he wanted was to ask Seokjin to send him picture of her all days.

When he looks up after Sarang whispered “I had to show you Yoonie uncle, he’s here!!” he met dark catlike eyes looking back at him already with a strange glint in his eyes.

And oh ! This was his Yoonie uncle… He was suddenly feeling too stupid

So it was this Yoonie she had talk about, and Taehyung felt stupid for a second.

He should have known that Yoonie Uncle was Suga, one of the best producers in South Korea.

There was many articles describing the two best artist friendship, but at the moment all he was seeing was Suga, blushing violently to the other piercing eyes.

“So you’re the famous Taehyung, you’re even prettier than what I heard” comes a voice behind Suga, it makes his blush harder, looking at his favorite rapper hit the person behind him who just laugh out loud.

He recognized him immediately as a choreographer in the company someone Jimin had worked once for a project, he remembers with how Jungkook had been jealous when Jimin couldn’t stop praising him.

“What ! It’s true ! Don’t tell me your jealous, Yoongs?”

“I’m not!” Say the rapper, a small blush on his cheeks that he tried to hide by turning away after throwing dagger to the dancer, the side was amazing to see for a fan like him, a moment he wanted to tattoo in his forehead to never forgot.

Sarang turn to them, pouting so cutely that Taehyung couldn’t help but kiss her cheek.

“Tae Tae is first pretty! Yoonie Uncle is second pretty!”

They smiled, satisfied, Suga putting his hand on his heart, expression softening immediately when he looks at Sarang and the sight melt Taehyung fan heart.

“I’m just second, I’m hurt…”

“You can’t fight Tae Tae, he’s the best!” Sarang pout, face hiding in Taehyung neck not wanting to be put down yet when Taehyung remember why he was here in the first place, and strangely with Sarang in his arm, he wasn’t feeling nervous at all.

“Then okay for second, at least I’m not out” he said looking at the dancer before going back inside the studio, he stays outside asking with a small voice.

“I need to see Namjoon shi, Seokjin hyung said I’ll find him here.”

Suga looks at him a moment before smiling strangely going behind his console and screens.

“He left to get some coffee, will come back soon, sit down. I’m Yoongi, but you can call me hyung.” He doesn’t spare him a glance talking whole opening and closing his files on his computer and it was better to have his intimidating eyes on himself.

“Hoseok, but Sarang likes to call me Hobi.” He nod, siting down on the only couch with Sarang on his legs like she was used to, showing him the drawing, she was doing before. The exchange doesn’t go unnoticed by the rapper, who whisper something in the dancer ear who nod, kissing his cheeks before gaining another hit and leaving a blushing Suga behind after waving in their direction.

After that Taehyung doesn’t pay attention to the other, listening to Sarang story, who had the same wild imagination as her appa, it was strange to listen to her and remember some things Namjoon had said to him in their drunken nights in uni, but comforting to know that somewhere Namjoon had stay the same, enough to share the same things with his daughter..

“You’re good at this.” He heard looking up at Yoongi who was looking at them with a small smile.

“I learned and it’s my job.” But the older shake his head.

“You’re like naturally good at this, it shows when something is learned or just… natural.”

They stay quiet a moment, Sarang taking her small bag to show him everything she had done during his absence.

Until Yoongi ask a strange question.

“Do you like have mole in your lower back ?” it makes Taehyung frown, not knowing where it was coming from and especially how he know that.

“I mean… Sarang like to overshare, just asking…” the rapper moved away, facing his screens again.

“I have…” he answered, not sure if he had ever said or show it but not trusting himself, he doesn’t elaborate. They stay quiet after that, the rapper working and Taehyung to happy to have the little girl for himself.

When the door open after ten more minutes, Taehyung isn’t ready to talk at all, had forgotten half of what he wanted to say and was too lost in Sarang explication to think of anything else.

That’s why when Namjoon enter the studio, the younger is already lost to what he should say, his eyes crossing the older’s immediately who stopped just for a second before nodding as a greeting like usually.

But Namjoon is quick to looks away, entering to put his paper bag in the coffee table in front of the younger before going out immediately, it’s too quick, not even thirty second before the door is closing behind him.

But at least it’s longer than the last time, when Namjoon had enter and leave Seokjin living room the moment he had seen him.

And that doesn’t make him feel any better.

When the younger sigh deeply, eyes closing and head rolling in the back of the couch, he can feel Yoongi eyes on him, but he’s too focused on his own thought and what just happened to think of anything else.

Seokjin was right, he was so right, and he would need to ask how he knew it would happen, but that was for later, for now he needed to think of something to face him, a moment where the older won’t escape.

He could have run after Namjoon, but he doesn’t move, because he would have run away again and again.

And Taehyung is tired of this game.

“Do you need to be dropped?” Taehyung shakes his head to the older voice, suddenly too tired, he wanted to go home and take a bath, and think, like a lot.

What about making a poster in front of Namjoon house written “We need to talk, I won’t take a NO for an answer.”

That was starting to seem a good idea.

But then the older asked with a smile that was a little too innocent to be good.

“How about lunch then ? Sarang hadn’t eaten yet.”

And Taehyung being a fan boy would never decline that even if he could feel a trap behind.

∞

Yoongi wasn’t the type to mingle, he hated people that meddle even a little with others matters. He avoids those people like the plague, so he never thought to be one of them one day.

Certainly not when it concerned his own friends.

It’s not that Yoongi doesn’t care about them, but he learned to not take part of their problems physically if he wanted to preserve their friendship, the rapper had advised or helped before, but never takes the matter in hands, it wasn’t in his nature, so he doesn’t wanted to be here, not at all.

Namjoon was the type to break is destiny with his own hands, and Yoongi had seen him loose many things in his life because of his own fault, friends, jobs, games and … Love.

Namjoon knew he was a lost cause when it comes to his own heart, Yoongi had remind him enough, but it never changes anything.

Yoongi had tried to prevent the inevitable many time, and god know he had tried, but in the end, he wasn’t the one that could change Namjoon life, he wasn’t the one to takes choice or chance anything for that matter, so he would always be there after, putting the broken piece together of his friend poor soul, after some tears and soju.

But now, Yoongi was fed up of that, tired to be able to do something but having a friend to stupid and dumb to act correctly, so here he was, seated across from the person that could change their entire life if things get correctly.

Taehyung had chosen a small restaurant, selecting it after checking if they had a kid’s menu. The place was calm if not crowded. Yoongi was attentive to the way Taehyung would give his entire attention to the little girl, cutting her meat in small pieces and wiping her mouth or removing her hairs from her face, the younger was natural with kids that much was obvious but he was also totally in love with her.

It wasn’t new, Sarang was a lovely little girl and anyone with a heart would fall in love with her charm, even Yoongi loved her and it was hard for him to loves someone else kids, but he could see how Taehyung was different, maybe a little too attached for a babysitter.

It wasn’t bad, considering their situation, even welcomed, but he couldn’t help but asked himself if either of the little parents could see that.

Looking at them, it takes him time to think of something, a way to help them, anything that could stop Namjoon from being the idiot of the year, Yoongi wasn’t supposed to mingle, but his friend needed that, especially when he had seen with his own eyes how the other rapper had run away and then send him panic text which his phone was still buzzing in his back pocket.

It takes him the entire lunch to think of something, they don’t talk a lot, Sarang was enough to speak for two, attracting all the attention like his daddy. He had seen Seokjin just a few times, but it was enough to see how she was a lot like him.

When they leaved after arguing on who will pay, Yoongi turned to the younger asking if he needed to be dropped, they had come to the restaurant with Yoongi car, and he was hoping for Taehyung to have comes in public transport.

“I have Seokjin car with me.”

“That’s okay, Namjoon can take it, and I have something to ask you.” Taehyung hesitate, mostly because he was curious now and Yoongi could see how the younger didn’t want to say yes but nod in the end.

The road was short and silent, Sarang in the back sit with Taehyung phone in her hands playing some games and wasn’t paying attention to them. But Yoongi don’t say anything even when he could see Taehyung was getting fidgety the more they were getting closer to the address on the GPS.

They arrived quickly, car stopping in front of the younger building and the older turn to him with eyes that was trying to pierce him.

Yoongi doesn’t talk right away, thinking of words that won’t be sudden or sharp, he had a bad habit to say think too quickly, too badly, and it would often come as rude when he wasn’t.

“It might be sudden and I’m not trying to be rude or anything but... I know who you are, I know your story with Namjoon, at least I know enough to tell you that what your trying to do a dead end.”

The expression going on Taehyung face was like a mosaic, changing every second with every colors before setting for tiredness, a deep sigh leaving his lips.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Namjoon is a coward, he won’t face you, not if you force him and when I say force, it’s not locking him in a room. He will find a way to get out, he’s a genius to run a way but stupid when it comes to face someone. So I thought to play the emotional game, so here.”

He gives him his phone, with Namjoon messages on display.”

“Call him with my phone, I already threatened him, so he will listen. At least, I hope so.”

“I…”

“I’m not forcing you, but I know him. He will never listen to you or face you if he know you’re there, you can try however you want it’s a dead end, it’s not against you, he’s just a coward who can’t face you.” They don’t talk a moment, Taehyung trying to understand what was happening and why, he didn’t know Yoongi, but he knows enough to not understand why he was doing that.

“Why…? I mean how do you know, what did he tell you?”

Yoongi stay quiet a long moment, eyes looking at him and searching for something that makes Taehyung uneasy, the rapper gaze was piercing, like breaking his soul in two pieces and searching him from the inside.

“When… Years ago, when he disappears from your life, he had come to me. I was the one to text you once, weeks after to stop contacting him because Namjoon couldn’t do it himself, I didn’t knew back then what happened, he just told me you needed to let him go or something like that… I know now the why and how etc. and can’t say anything because it’s not my place, but I know you two needs to talk, like a real talk…”

Taehyung doesn’t y say a word, looking down at the phone still glaring at him, reading the last message Yoongi had send just minutes ago.

_I’m telling him myself if you hang up in my next call, try me._

“I’m not forcing you, but years had passed and neither of you had turned the pages, it’s time for a face to face I think, at least I hope so… I’m heading out with Sarang, takes your time, whatever you decide it’s your choice.”

The rapper don’t wait, leaving the car and closing his door before taking the little girl with her who pretest when her games is interrupted, he can see them heading to a a small restaurant down the street, letting him alone with his own thought.

His eyes fly on the screen where he can’t help but looks at the small ID picture of Namjoon, it’s an old one, during Uni years maybe, he’s younger, with his hair falling on his eyes, but his happy, nothing like now.

He try not to think too much, to choose whatever feel right at the moment, but there’s nothing, his heart is beating to fast in his ribcage, mind not wrapping around anything, he feel fidgety, teeth biting his lower lips and eyes closing to breath deeply.

It takes a lot of courage to tap the call button and put the phone to his ear, courage and nerves that he didn’t he had, his hands are trembling, throat restricted. But he isn’t baking down now so he wait, hoping just for second that the older won’t pick up, he’s too nervous for that, too afraid and just… not confident enough, but then, he hear him, voice different from every time they had met, now there is emotion, fear, nervousness a little anger and desperation, but emotion nonetheless.

“Hyung ! Why would you say that !? You can’t do that…”

“Namjoon shi” he interrupts him before nervousness win over him and makes him hang up.

He feel his heart stop for a second when the other voice stop immediately, he could hear his breath itching, he except the older to hangs up, to just run away again or throw the phone away but nothing come.

For a long moment there is a silence, maybe thinking to whatever Yoongi had threaten him with, it takes time, time during which Taehyung heart isn’t stopping his race, but then his voice comes again, hesitant, afraid, a whisper so low that it might just be the sound of his breath.

“Taehyung...”

And it’s a beginning.

∞


	4. Chapter 4

Taehyung had thought of many ways about how they would see each other again, how they would maybe ignore each other, or how they would fall in each other arms, or how they would be shy, not knowing what to say. In all of those scenarios, Taehyung and Namjoon were always feeling the same way, heart connected to the others like when they were still best friends.

Maybe they would angry, maybe they would cry, maybe they would be happy, but in any case, they would be the reflection of the other like how they were years ago.

And that’s what Taehyung had hoped for, a fragment of their past still alive.

A way to know that in a way, they could still fall back to where they were before.

But in reality they were far apart from each other’s, he could feel Namjoon hesitation, his fear, his thought running in his head, could hear his breath caught and a little breathless, could even imagine his eyes wide and lost and hand twisting the first button of his short

But Taehyung, contrary to him, wasn’t hesitating, he was afraid that Namjoon would hang up, but he knew what to say, what to expect, knew what he was doing, at least he thought so.

Because the moment the older had said his name, without honorific, like before all of this, like they were still friends, a vestige of their past that Namjoon had let slip from his lips, and Taehyung wasn’t sure anymore, nor was he confident on his words.

The silence wasn’t long, but it was deafening, their breath heard and neither of them knowing what to say. The younger was the first to break it, his halmeoni words dancing in his mind.

“How are you Namjoon?”

It was simple right ? Simple and completely out of point but a start nonetheless, simple enough that neither of them would have a hard time answering, except, it was Namjoon, and Namjoon could have every answer about the hardest question but never the easiest one.

“I… I… Taehyung….” He stutters not knowing what to say, so Taehyung continue before losing his own confidence and hanging up, his eyes were in front of him, lost in the road.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me, and I know you’re doing it just because you had to and I’m sorry for that...”

“No...”

“But I needed to talk… So here I am.” He takes a deep breath waiting for the older to say something, but he didn’t and that silent was more deafening than the one of the last years.

“I’m sorry if you don’t want to… I don’t know why but… I needed this, I’m not expecting to be friends again don’t worry... I’m sorry, I’ll han...”

“No, I’m not…” comes the older voice before stopping again, hesitant and … Worried ?

“I’ll just say what I need to… I know you don’t want me in your life, you show me enough of that, but I just… want answers I guess…”

“Tae…”

“No let me finish. I tried to search for you, that night when you disappeared, I waited, I tried to search for you, to ask your friends and really… I… I don’t care that you leaved, I know that whatever your reason were they must be genuine… but I just… want to know why, was it something I did or said ? I know it’s stupid, it’s been years, you were married, had a child, but… I’m stuck there… I…”

“I’m...”

“Namjoon, I’m stuck in the past… My head doesn’t want to follow my body, I’m stuck there still waiting for a phone call from you that you okay wherever you are…” He had started to cry, hating himself to be so vulnerable, hating to talk too much when he shouldn’t, thing to not be able to control his emotions and opening up to the one person that hurts him.

But it was like his soul was still attached to Namjoon when all he wanted was to hate him.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this… I know your happy now, you have a life and I should have mine, but I don’t… And I don’t blame you… I’m just too weak to be over with it. I’m so sorry you need to hear from me when you don’t want to.”

He breathes deeply expecting Namjoon to say something, but he doesn’t, instead heard a sniffle that makes his anger bubble in his chest because Namjoon shouldn’t cry.

He doesn’t have the right, he wasn’t the one hurt, the one left behind to wait for someone that never come back, he wasn’t the one alone and lonely and…

“Please… just tell me why you did it? Was it me ? What did I do, just tell me so I can get over it and…”

“You did nothing…”

“Then why?!” He cries out, letting the last years anger and desperation takes over him.

He was in a place of his life where he was stuck in the middle of two roads without any signs to show him where to go. One was what he should go, the other where he wanted to.

“Then just why did you leave ? I’m not going to bother you ever, I promise, I already leaved Seokjin job because I don’t want to bother you, I’ll leave for good don’t worry, just… just tell me why...”

But Namjoon doesn’t answer like tongue gone or maybe not knowing what to answer. Taehyung could hear his breath, his sniffle, his silent cry that he was trying to stop and Taehyung knew without knowing, understanding the older silent as something far hurtful that what he had expect, letting his own tears fall down.

“Do you hate me that much… that I don’t even deserve an answer…”

“No… N-no…”

“It’s okay, I’m sorry for whatever I did, I was drunk that night, we were both I think, I don’t remember much and I’m sorry… for whatever I did, or said, I really am.” He breathes deeply trying to keep his voice leveled and his emotion at bays, because if he broke down now…

“Tae… no…”

“I hope you leave a good life.” He continues, ignoring the other plea, because for once, he needed to be selfish, to protect himself first before anything else.

“And I promise to never bother you… Goodbye Namjoon.” He throws the phone in Yoongi seat, not caring to hang up and get out of the car quickly, letting himself break the moment he starts running to his building.


	5. Chapter 5

When Yoongi come back with Sarang and milkshake in their hands, he doesn’t expect Taehyung to be there, but he certainly not expects for his phone to be still on call with a crying Namjoon on the other side.

As Namjoon closest friend, he should be tender, or at least empathic, tell him it’s okay or maybe try to calm him down, but Yoongi is exasperate and just fed up. So the first words leaving his lips when he put the phone to his ear aren’t kind at all.

“Did you fuck up again?”

If Seokjin or even Hoseok would have been here, Yoongi would have been death by now for cursing in front of Sarang who was waiting for him to put her belt, but to his defense, the little girl already know the word because of his clumsy appa.

But what he hears isn’t just cry of sadness, it’s sob, sob leaving his friend lips that seems to be wrecking him from the inside.

He could here Seokjin trying to sooth him, voice soothing and a little higher like trying not to cry too. And maybe things weren’t supposed to go that way, he had thought that maybe, them talking just once would be enough, that them being adult and thoughtful would be enough, but apparently not.

He ended the call, sending a quick text to Hoseok that he needed to take Sarang until he come back and turn to the little girl waiting for him.

“Where is Taetae ?”

“Home, I’ll drop you with Hobi, okay ? I’ll come back soon.” She doesn’t ask why, nodding before asking to pay his favorite songs.

The way back was quick, tanking Hoseok with a quick kiss before running to his car again to Seokjin’s, he wasn’t regretting his decision to have them makes talked just once, but he did regret to not have make them meet instead, maybe locking them in a room would have been good, no one would have runaway again.

He sighs, deeply, car parking in front of Seokjin buildings, before getting out of it.

He wasn’t expecting Namjoon to be coherent yet, remembering how the other rapper emotional state where always a mess, but Yoongi needed to make sure the younger was okay and not falling in his spiral of thought again.

With years, Yoongi had thought that Namjoon had gain a certain control over himself, that maybe, with maturity and time, he knew how to control his emotion and maybe not breakdown completely, but he was wrong.

It was like they were in Uni again.

Entering Seokjin apartment after the older open for him, his own eyes red rimmed, Yoongi can’t help but frown, they doesn’t talk, entering the living room where Namjoon is seating on the couch, eyes closed and tears still striping down his face.

His best friend looks lost, hair messy and face pale. He doesn’t open his eyes but reach for Yoongi hand silently that the older takes in a tight hold.

“You fucked up again, didn’t you ?” It wasn’t supposed to be accusatory, but it sounds like it. With years Yoongi had seen many time Namjoon clumsiness putting him in awkward situation, it never really was something that stop him from continuing with his life, but when it comes that person, it was like any ability to speak or think correctly would leave him.

And it was starting to be too much.

“What happened?” He asked then after a sigh, waiting for Namjoon who doesn’t answer right away.

“I didn’t w-want things to go that way… I swear... I t-thought… I thought he f-forget me… I… I make him cry… b-but I would never…”

“Calm down, take a deep breath.” Namjoon follow Yoongi lead, eyes lost on the coffee table, when he talk trying to say what they had talked about, trying not to break down, Yoongi could see how every words was hurting the younger, how it was hard to remember everything.

He doesn’t stop him, let him all talk it out with the hope it would maybe feel better, but it didn’t.

By the end, Yoongi wasn’t feeling sad, he doesn’t want to cry, doesn’t want to even acknowledge Namjoon tears.

Yoongi was angry, blood boiling with fire because his friend couldn’t say what he needs to say without being a coward.

“You have nothing to lose Namjoon, you lost him years ago, you didn’t lose him again, you never have him in the first place.” It’s hard, maybe too much, but it’s a truth that the younger need to listen. “Stop doing the same mistake, you run away once without any explanation and look where it takes you, what the fuck are you waiting to open your mouth and just face him properly!?”

He could feel Seokjin glare, Seokjin who was always over protective of Namjoon, who would always try to makes Namjoon feel better, and would always makes sure Yoongi never said anything that needed to be said because “he need to see it himself”

But for once, the older doesn’t say a word, just looking at him with hard eyes that he knew would kill him after, but for now he was right, and they knew it.

It makes Namjoon cry, curling in a ball that makes Yoongi guilty, but anger was still clouding his mind that he didn’t try to console him, letting Seokjin passed his arms around the younger shoulder.

In the far end of his head, he wanted to apologize, he may be Namjoon closest friend, but tis doesn’t meant he had a right to say all of this, he know he overstep, but someone needed to play the bad guy to makes Namjoon open his eyes and the rapper doesn’t mind to play that role.

When he get out, lips forming a thin line, he doesn’t go to take Sarang yet, couldn’t when he was still feeling anger inside him, instead he call Taehyung hopping for him to take the call.


	6. Chapter 6

Seokjin is used to collect the broken piece, years ago when he meet Namjoon, he had seen a lost soul, had seen how he needed warmness and love, and had propose himself for the younger to forget, it was supposed to be a casual thing, Namjoon to feel better, and him to destress from his acting jobs and degree.

They weren’t meant to end up together.

But especially Seokjin doesn’t mean to fall in love but he did anyway, broking his own heart the second he realized his own feelings.

Maybe it was why they separated quickly, why they never promised a forever, why even after a divorce they were still friendly.

Like they never loved each other. And it hurt to see that Namjoon had never loved him in the first place, he had known it since the beginning, but seeing it with his own eyes was different.

But he doesn’t regret it, Namjoon had given him Sarang and even if she wasn’t born by their love, he loves her with his whole heart.

In the beginning of knowing Namjoon, he had seen how he was broken, attached to someone who doesn’t see him like Namjoon wanted, at least it was what Seokjin would see.

Namjoon never said anything to him, couldn’t with what they had between them. They might be sleeping together but they weren’t close to the point to open themselves to the other, but Seokjin wasn’t blind, he had seen long ago how Namjoon loved someone, the person he had keep on his wallpaper, he could see how he yearned for him and missed him, but Seokjin didn’t know anything before a drunken night.

Namjoon never drink, mostly afraid to open up, but he did it anyways, letting unwanted words slipped from his lips, words pouring from his heart that he had locked from long ago. Crying and looking at Seokjin like he wasn’t there.

That’s how he learns a name, a face.

How he understood that love wasn’t mean to be beautiful, how he learns that sometimes, even with feelings that couldn’t be hold with a single heart, they may not be shared and reach to this special someone.

Seokjin had wanted to talk about it the next days, had waited for Namjoon to call him again for their nights like they were used to, but Namjoon doesn’t do it, graduation had passed and Seokjin had feel his heart broken when Namjoon called him.

The older had prepared a gift for Namjoon, wrapped carefully and Seokjin had cry that day, hating himself to fall so fast for soothing that was supposed to be casual.

When Namjoon had come back, they didn’t talk, they didn’t need to when hands and tongues meet in and urgent dance the moment Seokjin open the door.

And he let him do whatever the younger wanted, in a sense he needed that too, needed the urgent proximity to forget that he had fallen for someone who doesn’t want him in return.

They were both chained to their own feelings, falling in each other arms whenever they could and making the same mistakes again and again and again.

Until he gets pregnant, he thought to abort, Seokjin wasn’t meant with Namjoon, this child wasn’t men to be born considering their history.

But most importantly, even if Namjoon had someone else in his heart, his mind and soul were attached to Kim Taehyung and would always be, he was still someone responsible and the moment Namjoon would know, he won’t leave Seokjin.

And he was right.

One of those night, worried and just wanting to let the true out, he said it, with a broken voice that he doesn’t recognized himself.

He was expecting something like “I’ll help you if you decide to keep him, but it was beyond it.”

There wasn’t denial, not running away, nothing that makes Seokjin worried even for a second.

“Do you want to keep it.” and Seokjin had nod, he had been hesitant, jumping in parenthood was something like 360° change in his life, but he wanted to keep something from the man he had loved if ever he leave his life, it was selfish, but loved itself wasn’t kind.

“Let’s get married if... if you’re okay with that, let’s get married.” It was a rushed decision, a proposal naked in the older bed after a confession. Something that had makes Seokjin cry in Namjoon arm, cry of relief and regret and sadness before no matter what it wasn’t a proposal made of love but pity, but he takes it.

They did marry, but Seokjin regretted it.

He was happy, Namjoon give him everything, his baby had his father with her, and he had everything any couple would ask for, at least everything except one.

Seokjin doesn’t have his heart, the one thing he had yearned for, and could keep them together. He wasn’t blind, there wasn’t a promise of forever between them.

Namjoon never fall out of love to this Kim Taehyung and Seokjin never regretted more this marriage than were he would see Namjoon think of another men.

That’s why he had tried to give them a chance, he was the one to send the invitation to Kim Taehyung. Seokjin wasn’t cruel to the point to force Namjoon faced the person he loves the day of his wedding, but he wanted to give him the chance to back down.

A chance to see each other and talk and maybe makes the right decision before it was too late.

But it never happened, Kim Taehyung did come, but Namjoon never see him.

Seokjin has lost.


	7. Chapter 7

In the years Seokjin had known Namjoon, it had never been hard to fall in love, Namjoon was a handsome man with a heart of gold

What was hard was to accept the fact he would never be loved in return.

As much as Namjoon was amazing he was also blind, blind in his own love to not be able to see how much Seokjin was loving him.

But the actor doesn’t mind, it was easy to love Namjoon, easy to be endeared and happy just by his presence.

What was not was to see him hurting, even if he had makes sure to never let his own feeling show up in daylight, there was time were they would slip without his knowledge, like when he would hug him whenever Namjoon could be sad for any reason.

Seokjin would make sure to hug him close, whipping his tears as a friends and trying to keep his lips close to not let slip words like “I love you, I’m here, I won’t leave you, please look at me.”

It was so hard that sometimes Seokjin would let himself cry after, let his feelings, his words and thought die with the tears disappearing under the water of his shower.

What Seokjin really wanted was to put the puzzle pieces like they were supposed to be since the beginning.

He wanted to stop them hurting more.

That’s how he search for Kim Taehyung the moment their divorce was signed, it had been hard without any common friends, he even takes his manager help to makes some calls and when he found him, Seokjin had shown up in his door, heart beating from fear, excitement and worry.

It was his friend that had open, Park Jimin that had recognized him as an actor first, eyes wide quickly turning to suspicious.

“Are you here as Namjoon Husband?”

“I am, I want to talk to Kim Taehyung.”

He maybe should have present himself as just a friend, but at the moment he was too worried about what he needed to say to think about anything else, so when Jimin eyes hardened, dark and cold and angry, Seokjin knew he had said something he shouldn’t have.

“Stay away from him, for all due respect Namjoon had done enough damage, stay away from him, I’m not asking for more.”

The door had closed before he could say a word, deaf sound echoing in the corridor making him close his eyes with a deep sigh.

He hadn’t stop here, couldn’t, in the next months, even years, he tried to search for an excuse, something that could makes him approach Taehyung without needing to say why and how.

That’s how he find out that Taehyung was as hurt as Namjoon was, as lost as Namjoon was, as stopped in moment of his life as Namjoon was.

That’s how Seokjin knew that what he was doing wasn’t complexly crazy.

When he knew where Taehyung had started to work, for a childcare agency, Seokjin applied quickly, asking to be designate a certain someone to keep Sarang, even going to meet the agency himself for it who didn’t bait an eyes, used to this kind of request.

It had been hard to wait for him, hard to think straight with how much he was stressing, hard to keep a straight face whenever Namjoon would ask for when the caregiver would come.

But the moment he opens the door to Kim Taehyung, all of his thought has disappeared. It was his first time really meeting him, but after years of knowing him through Namjoon, Seokjin couldn’t help but thought.

_“I understand now why he still loves you.”_

Because Kim Taehyung had the eyes of someone that once you fall in love with, you don’t fall out of love.

He could see every detail Namjoon had written with rushed handwriting, could see the lips, the eyes, the nose, the large hand with long fingers, his neck and collarbone, the moles placed exactly where Namjoon would describe in lyrics that never seen the light of day.

It was strange to have Kim Taehyung in front of his eyes, someone he had ever read in lyrics or heard about, it was strange but having him here was making the puzzle pieces moves slowly, enough that Seokjin knew he was going in the right decision.


	8. Chapter 8

Yes Seokjin was used to collect the broken pieces but it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt every time.

The first time was when Namjoon disappear a few days, the second when they divorced, and the third time was now.

And it hurt every single time a little more than before, when he was a kid he had read somewhere that every soul was created for a reason, and Seokjin supposed was there to help them find their way to each other.

When Yoongi leave, he goes to his room opening his drawer to search for a box he had put there years ago when he had just moved in, it was a small box, nothing special in the outside, but when he open it, there was albums photo, a lot of them sorted by years starting with their wedding to the current one.

He doesn’t take anu of them, taking them out to reach for the smaller one, not dated, and mostly empty with picture that wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place, he opened it, breathing deeply to regain himself before standing up while clutching the small album.

Namjoon hadn’t moved from his position on the leaving room, curled up on himself with his forehead on his knee, trembling and containing sob that Seokjin knew would leave him soon.

“Joonie, please can you see this ? it’s important…”

The younger doesn’t move at first, traying to breath trough his tears and peek behind his knees, eyes red and sad still letting a few tears fall.

His gaze fall on what Seokjin had in hand, lost and just wanting to be left alone, but then Seokjin sit next to him, making him uncurl and turn to him with a frown. He doesn’t say anything, taking the small album from the older and opening it reluctantly.

His eyes widen immediate, coming to Seokjin who was slightly smiling.

There he was, picture of the person he was crying about.

Taehyung, it was in a wedding, wearing a suit that hugged his figure beautifully, he wasn’t smiling, eyes always set on a point somewhere and accompanied by Jimin on his side with hand on his lower back, it hurts knowing what it means, it had always hurt.

“Why are you showing me this?” he whispers eyes not leaving the few pictures. Taehyung seems a little young there to what he had seen now, like the picture were old…

“He come to our wedding, I send him an invitation and he come.”

Namjoon takes a few second to understand those words, wide eyes coming to meet Seokjin’s one, he had expected of a joke but it wasn’t one, he looks back to the picture, recognizing their own hall, hands trembling understanding the implication of that.

“How…”

“Doesn’t matter, he come, he tries to reach you, but you didn’t see him, he tried even when you ignored him. He comes to your studio, search your friends, every time Namjoon, he was always the one to reach for you but you were always the one to push him away even if you didn’t know it.”

Words, Seokjin had learn could be the balm in your heart like they could be the knife that shred it to pieces.

And sometimes, a person needs a little wound to find the remedy themselves when no one is there to help them.

He does care about Namjoon crying, all he want is to hug him and enveloped him with his arms and feel his body heat like he always do, but he contain himself, focus on his own heart, on his thought, on what needed to be said.

And maybe Yoongi was right, maybe Namjoon does needed people to prove him wrong and show his fault instead of covering him with sweet words.

So he continue, heart beating wildly in his chest.

“You shut him out when you see him years later again, you did it every time Namjoon, every single time, did you expect him to come back like nothing happened ? You hurt him, more than you think.”

He moves his gaze away from Namjoon tears, this time silence, gaze lost and empty. And Seokjin wanted to stop.

“Yeah you were dump, young and immature, you made a mistake, but he doesn’t know that, for him you betrayed him, you left him behind, you…!”

“I can’t say it! I can’t face him!” Namjoon explode suddenly, eyes filled with tears he was trying to not let fall. His face was full of desperation, sadness he was trying to hide by closing hi eyes but failed miserably.

“I can’t say anything…”

“Why?”

The silence that follow as deafening, Namjoon breathing deeply and whipping his tears, expression resolute like he didn’t have anything to lose. He doesn’t look up when he said the next words, passing his hands in his hair to put himself together.

“He had Jimin… I know that, he always have him, I kiss him when they were together, if I tell him why or even what I feel about him... they would lost each other, I can’t do that.”

And something clicks in Seokjin mind.

Something like a joke…

In the time Taehyung had passed here, he had talked a lot, about his friends, family, interested, and one of his favorite subjects was his two best friends.

Jimin and Jungkook.

People he loved dearly and would cuddle every time he had the possibility.

That were together since Uni years and never leaved each other side since then. So Seokjin couldn’t understand were Namjoon was coming from.

And the realization of the situation makes him laugh, it’s not a happy one, it’s nervous, ridiculous, and angry. He want to cry out how someone can be so stupid, but again he isn’t in Namjoon place, Namjoon who avoid everything related to Taehyung, who doesn’t ask, doesn’t talk, doesn’t share what he think, so in a sense it’s normal that the situation is what it is now.

But it doesn’t calm Seokjin down for the slightest.

“Ok… let’s do something… I give you one week to think, to collect your thought or whatever, one week and you’re meeting him, I’m not forcing you, but it’s now or never, Namjoon. There are many things you don’t know and many others he doesn’t. And now is the time you need to let everything out, you can’t stop avoiding this anymore. It’s killing both of you, you already lost him years ago, you didn’t have anything to lose any more now, just let him say his goodbye.”

It’s cruel and maybe he could have said it with better words, but it’s the truth, and Namjoon seems to know that.


End file.
